SPOILER ALERT: Don’t read this if you haven’t seen Season 1 of Girls. You’ve been warned.

1. What grade would you give Season 1 of Girls?

CW: F. As in F this show. I gave it far more chances than it deserved.

MR: B-. Loved it early, but it lost me late. There’s a lot of potential, but it never seems to go down smooth.

BG: C. Hated most of the characters, but found it strangely compelling.

EA: C+. I’m entertained by the show, but like the girls themselves, Girls has a lot of growing up to do.

2. Use five adjectives to describe Girls

MR: Witty, compelling, thought-provoking, pretentious, maddening.

EA: Unrealistic, pretentious, well-soundtracked (hey, I am a music nerd), occasionally hilarious, pretty.

BG: Intriguing, abrasive, witty, irritating, (mildly) funny.

CW: Uninteresting, entitled, affronting, disconnected, painfully revealing.

3. On a scale of 1-10, how much do you hate Hannah?

BG: 9. For a lead character, Hannah is the worst. She complains endlessly, she wants her boyfriend to commit suicide and she pounds cake while sitting by herself on the beach (repulsive, but kind of awesome). She is the wound.

CW: 9.5. As a young 20-something trying to make it in a similar industry in New York, Hannah’s sense of entitlement is almost offensive. She blows an interview worse than Dale and Brennan. She lands a job, then infuriatingly quits after trying to bang her married boss and threatens lawsuit. Her claim that nobody can live without parental  support is just plain wrong. For the supposed “voice of her generation,” I hate pretty much everything she has to say.

EA: 3. I don’t hate Hannah, I pity her. Deep down, she’s a good person with redeeming qualities. She’s just too sheltered and wrapped up in herself, something not incredibly rare in middle-class-and-up 20-somethings. Hopefully the show’s journey redeems her with some tough lessons and growing up along the way.

MR: 5. I don’t hate her, but she makes it impossible to love her. I want to root for her, because she’s so refreshingly honest and self-aware. And in many ways, she’s the most relatable character on the show. But she also propositions her creepster boss for sex, longs for a suicide and sprawls out on bathroom floors — which makes me want to punch her in the face.

4. Which character did you warm to most as the season progressed?

EA: Shoshanna. At first I was convinced the show was propping up Hannah, Marnie and Jessa and using Shoshanna as the butt of the jokes, but the laugh’s on those three: Shosh proved to be the funniest, most grounded and most likable of the Big 4. She’s also got the best rack, which counts for a lot.

MR: Adam. He was such a weird douche when the season started, but it turns out he’s a weird douche with a gentle soul and a big heart. It’s no coincidence the hatred for Hannah increased as the season progressed: It got harder to feel sorry for her once Adam stopped ignoring her phone calls, cumming on her arm and masturbating in her presence.

BG: Shoshanna. Sure, she’s an overly dramatic caricature who frequents online dating services. But she smokes crack and packs a mean sucker punch. And everyone else is a dumb whore.

CW: Shoshanna. Her hyper-dramatic presence was off-putting at first, but now it seems she’s just got a lot of pent up sexual energy from being a virgin. (Also see: “rack, best” above.) I also warmed to Jessa a bit, but marrying an epic douche on a whim was a major backslide.

5. Will you watch Season 2?

CW: Highly doubtful. We’ll see what the show is lined up against for Season 2.  More likely than not: see you never, Girls. 

EA: Yes. As I said earlier, I’m entertained by it, and I’m the guy who stuck with Entourage’s terrible later seasons out of sheer obligation (and it’s Entourage, not Sex and the City, that proves the best HBO comparison to Girls). The show has a lot of untapped potential, and from what I’ve seen of Lena Dunham I think there’s a chance the show realizes it eventually.

MR: Yes. There’s enough here to keep me coming back. But I want more Ray and Shoshanna and less Marnie and, well, anyone. Because Marnie fucking sucks.

BG: Probably. It’s on after Game of Thrones and Veep, and really — what else do I have to do?

The action-packed cast of Expendables 2 is sure to lay the smack-down when this flick hits big screens.

What is it about delicious waffles that make us think Trailer Takes? I just absolutely demolished a pulled pork waffle and a wafflini with ice cream, so I’m sitting fat and happy right now. And there’s no better time to watch some movie trailers and hand out grades.

In this edition of Trailer Takes, we get Savage with some gratuitous violence and cap it off with some recreational drug use. Enjoy…

The Expendables 2

Grade: B

Just like the first Expendables, the cast packs a mean punch. And just like the first one, The Expendables 2 makes no effort of hiding the hook: “Track ‘em, find ‘em, kill ‘em” is always a good plan. Ass beating. Badass explosions. A cast of old-ass action heroes. Rocky, Drago, Walker, McClain, Terminator, Turkish, Colonel Guile, Romeo. “You’re gonna need more men if you expect to get out of here alive.” With these guys? Fuck that.

Among other things, this trailer satisfied my thirst for: inaudible mumbling, one-handed zip lining into enemy territory, intentional plane crashes, hand guns (literally: at one point it seems Stallone shoots bullets out of his bare hand), wheelies, motorcycles crashing into choppers, power sliding, flaming cars flipping over, cross-movie references (“I’m back!”), bad attitude (again, literally), cross-vehicular manslaughter and flying roundhouse kicks.

Points docked for not giving Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris any lines, jump-punches or cowboy hats. And if we learned anything from the Fast and the Furious series, this totally should have been called “Too Expendable”. Bonus points for the collective amount of botox used between Arnold, Van Damme and Sly. I believe that’s classified as a felony in 49 states.

Savages

Grade: B+

On the one hand, I was hoping for a little more action in this trailer. C’mon, the name of the movie is Savages, and there’s only four seconds of cars exploding? On the other hand…. Mmmm, Blake Lively and Salma Hyeck (and, to be fair to our lady readers, Taylor Kitsch).

This trailer does make efficient use of montage to let us know that there will, indeed, be lots of stabbing, shooting, exploding and potentially a little side boob (can’t sneak that past me). And unlike The Expendables 2, there may actually be a story here. And in that story are life lessons for all to learn: Love triangles always end up with drug cartel kidnapping the hypotenuse. Also, saying “It’s nothing personal” or “It’s just business” is never a good idea (see: Liam Neeson in Taken; Denzel Washington in Man on Fire).

Benicio del Toro was a good cast for this role, and the Day of the Dead masks are pretty savage (hey, I get the title now!).

But points docked for both good guys and bad guys wearing the same masks. (Cue up: “Did you plan those matching outfits!?” “Not cool!”). Bonus points for that split second moment of ecstasy with Salma Hyeck (at the 1:37 mark).

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Grade: B-

Somebody was baton master in the high school marching band! Those axe-spinning moves are fabulous! OK, onward…

In case you can’t tell by now, there’s a special place in my heart for senseless violence. (That’s why the Final Destination series didn’t get good until after the first one.) So why would the President lead an army of the living against these night-walking bastards? Because “only the living can kill the dead,” duh.

Plus, ol’ Honest Abe gives an axe swinging middle finger to the nation’s first Prez: Sweet, George cut down a cherry tree, but did he do it one swing and explode the trunk to smithereens? Unlikely. And while I’m not exactly all in on the vampire fad, the Commander in Chief taking up arms to fight this great nation’s enemies, living or dead, gives me a patriotic hard-on (symbolically speaking, of course).

Bonus points for rewriting history. Points docked because I was really hoping Abe would fashion his famous top hat into an Oddjob-like, vampire-slaying ninja star.

Ted

Grade: A+

God, it’s just so relatable. I mean, who hasn’t taken bong rips on the couch with their teddy bear? I know I have. (Or maybe I was by myself. Or was that my roommate…? Who knows. Let’s pause for corn pops.)

Now where were we. Oh, right. This trailer sets the premise up as a classic love flick. Boy meets girl. Boy awkwardly dances with girl. Boy clocks other girl. Boy and other girl fall in love. But boy has a secret. Boy has a thunder buddy for life, and it’s a talking frat-star teddy bear.

Ted definitely seems like one of those movies where the best scenes can’t be shown in the trailer (thank you R rating!). Between getting yahtzeed out of their faces and Ted’s various sexcapades, this is a definite go for me. I mean, he’s a cute, cuddly teddy bear who can get away with grabbing boob in public and dry humping the scanner in the grocery store checkout line. But draw the line at fellatio-ing (fellating? fellatiating?) a chocolate bar.

Bonus points for countless F-bombs, gratuitous drug use and that absolutely awesome ‘Thunder Song’, which I will now use to conquer all my fears.

Christopher Meloni showed off his extremely pointy fangs as Roman Zimojic, the Guardian of the Vampire Authority, in the latest episode of ‘True Blood’.

SPOILER ALERT: This entry contains information through the most recent episode of True Blood, “Authority Always Wins” (Season 5, Episode 2).

Another episode of True Blood is in the books, and for the second consecutive week, our favorite vampire drama didn’t disappoint. Tara continued to lose her mind, Terry’s PTSD-induced nightmares intensified and Emma turned into an adorable, pajama-clad werewolf! It was everything we could have hoped for and more.

There was some pretty significant plot development, too. Here are five takeaways from “Authority Always Wins.”

1.  The friendship between Bill and Eric knows no bounds. For everything else that we learned this week, this is the biggest takeaway of all. Once bickering adversaries, Bill and Eric have become the closest of vampire BFFs, sticking up for each other until the bitter end. They laugh, they take unfiltered silver at each other’s expense and they maintain solidarity as their faces are being melted by searing UV rays. They’re simply inseparable.

Their friendship is about to be tested, as Russell Edgington wants them dead, the Guardian of the Authority is itching to stake them and Nora’s life is in jeopardy, the last of which could send Eric into a murderous rage. But for the moment, let’s appreciate how far this duo has come. Remember when Bill and Eric were pussyfooting around Bon Temps and making overblown statements like “Sookie is mine”? This newfound allegiance is SO much better.

2.  Jessica knows how to party. What, you were expecting an actually relevant plot point here? All things considered, it’s amazing that Jessica’s hardcore fratting didn’t top my list of biggest takeaways. If we didn’t previously realize why vampires were blessed with super strength, we now know for certain: It’s to hoist kegs with one hand while ushering out sick partygoers with the other. And do you remember Jessica’s Ke$ha-worthy drinking game and rock band skills (Cherry bomb!)? Pretty soon she’ll start dressing like a lax bro!

Jessica also upped her rivalry with Rev. Steve Newlin, who’s taken to busting retirement-home dance moves and popping both real and fang boners over Jason’s buns of steel (“You could chip a fang!”). And following their ferocious hair-pulling debacle, who knows what slugfest they’ll come up with next. Pacquiao-Bradley has nothing on Hamby-Newlin.

3.  Pam is the fucking coolest. I don’t even need to make jokes for this one. Instead, I’ll just recap. Through the first two episodes of Season 5, Pam called Sookie’s vagina a “super snatch”, wore a yellow kitten- and flower-adorned sweatsuit, turned Tara into a batshit crazy vamp, insulted her Fangtasia employee/part-time lover as a dirty tramp and flashed back to an era (San Francisco in 1905, to be exact) when she was a madam in a brothel who dispensed cocaine out of her ring.  She’s been dominant. Pam is like a pitcher who has thrown a perfect game through four innings — and has struck out all 12 batters swinging.

Of course, Pam will likely be forced to tend to Tara, a notion that should temper expectations for her otherworldly start. But let’s enjoy the ride while it lasts. And until we find out for sure, it’s time to place bets on how/why Eric turned her. My money’s on crazy above-ground sex leading to crazy below-ground sex leading to crazy, messed up vampire sex. All of which, naturally, fosters a centuries-long father-daughter relationship. You know how these things go.

Now a vampire, Tara alternates between throwing tantrums of mass destruction and chilling casually on kitchen countertops.

4.  Tara is a mega-crazy-bitch vampire! Until proven otherwise, this will indefinitely maintain a spot on my biggest takeaways list. Tara has become a tornado of destruction, wrecking houses, torpedoing old friends and crouching on countertops like a leapfrogging vampire of doom. She’s also permanently pledged a grudge against Sookie and Lafayette and asserted her superiority over pesky vampire silver misters. She’s redefining what it means to psychotic.

Story wise, it’ll be fascinating to see what Tara plans now that she’s both immortal and eternally vindictive. Given her human past, I’d watch my back if I was on her shit list. That means you, Lettie Mae.

5.  This season represents True Blood’s most aggressive statement about society to date. Look, True Blood has a well-established history of questioning the legitimacy of religion and politics. It played the vampires-coming-out-of-the-coffin card in Season 1, followed by the emergence of the Fellowship of the Sun and the tireless demonstrations of power-corrupt vampire officials. But this season seems bent on taking that agenda to an entirely new level: Not only does the Authority have its sights set on mainstreaming, but it also believes in the literal interpretation of the vamp bible, one that suggests that Lilith came before Adam and Eve and that humans’ sole purpose on Earth is to nourish vampires like Pringles.

But let’s stop kidding ourselves. The most lasting impressions that the Authority left were that Roman Zimojic is a 500-year-old badass vamp (good work, Christopher Meloni) and that True Blood has introduced a Bitchking Joffrey wannabe. Apparently the latter’s name is Alexander Drew, and he needs to die as soon as possible. I’m already fantasizing about throwing horse crap in his face.

And here’s the rest of the episode recap, in one rambling and incoherent sentence: Alcide doesn’t like eating decaying werewolf intestines, even at Marcus’ mother’s behest; Sam and Luna have hit a rough patch; Luna’s daughter, Emma, is the cutest infant werewolf EVER; Sookie still judges perverted hicks who fantasize about sleeping with her; Terry is a terrifying sleepwalker; Andy can now relate to Jason about having sex (“Welcome to the club!”) and doesn’t have to relapse back into his awful V addiction. Oh, and Russell Edgington is wheezing, ugly, furious and alive. I guess that’s mildly important, too.

SPOILER ALERT: Don’t read this if you haven’t seen every single second of every single episode of Mad Men Season 5. You’ve been warned.

1. Overall, what grade would you give the season?

MR: B. When it was good — Peggy’s exit, Roger’s LSD trip, Sally’s “dirty” — it was really good. Unfortunately, this was largely a season of peaks and valleys. I’ve grown accustomed to Mad Men’s trademark early season slow burn, and I chalk up the so-so first three hours to that tendency. But many of the b-storylines — fat Betty; poor Lane; Krishna Harry — failed to hold my interest, and there’s really no getting around the fact that not a ton actually happened, at least as far as our leading man is concerned. Season 5 was funny, sad and moving. Just never for long enough.

NT: B-. I agree, there were some very memorable images, and for the most part it was enjoyable. But I often found myself at the end of each episode trying to piece together what I just saw, rather than feeling it outright. It was rarely engaging — almost clinical in its assembly — and aside from a couple instances, like the nightmarish “Mystery Date,” the episodes (and season) lacked the tonal cohesion of seasons past.

OSC: B+/A-. Did you both forget that we were on a 17-month Don Draper hiatus? The only other comeback I’ve ever given this much of a shit about was Jordan in 1995 (coincidentally, also a 17-month wait). Perhaps the time apart did make my heart grow fonder, but I’ll own that, and you’ll get no low honor roll grading here. My favorite thing about the season was seeing how many characters were starting out in completely new situations (Doting Husband Don?), then watching their regression to the mean or, in a few cases, their rebranding (Partner/Working Girl/Ma Joan?). It was a different lens cast onto the same familiar faces, and the characters now feel more whole for it.

BG: A-. For all the complaints that I could make, Mad Men Season 5 offered Roger’s enlightenment (though it “wore off”), Michael Ginsberg’s emergence, Glen’s nasty-but-awesome ‘stache and Hare Krishna (Krishna Krishna). Oh, and Pete got punched in the face three times. I can’t bring myself to drop that to a B.

2. What was your biggest takeaway from the finale?

NT: Matt Weiner thinks we need more of a wrap up than we actually do. Aside from Peggy’s gratifying return to the screen, the first 50 minutes of action only confirmed everything we already knew. Don’s and Megan’s conflicting views on personal fulfillment are propelling them toward a break; Pete’s philandering is an attempt to “bandage an open wound;” Roger is getting used to his need for cheap thrills; and despite SCDP’s commercial success, money isn’t buying anyone love. Just ask Rebecca Pryce. Mr. Weiner promised an “orgasmic” finale, but I — like many of our Season 5 brethren — am hoping for something better on the other side.

OSC: The sheer pleasure from the season’s final moments. Set to Nancy Sinatra’s “You Only Live Twice,” and after a season with the overt theme of every man/woman for himself and large character progression, the montage was an inventory list of just what everyone has become: Peggy, the burgeoning ad exec starting off on her journey to follow in Don’s footsteps like she always wanted; Roger, a continuation of the aging smart-ass with a free soul, now with another vice and still no clear idea of what he wants from life; Pete, a smug little man who finally found himself a seat at the grown-up table only to realize he doesn’t have a taste for the lobster; Megan, a young woman starring in a consequences-be-damned dream she couldn’t obtain on her own that will likely spoil her marriage; and Don, a man who tried to change himself (yet again) only to realize that happiness is just the moment before you need more happiness, and is about to return to form. There’s so much to look forward to.

MR: That the penultimate episode was better? And the one before that, too? I hate to be such a Debbie Downer, but this finale really failed to deliver. Just think of what past Mad Men finales have given us: the possibility of a Don/Betty divorce; the birth of a new agency; the shock of the Don-Megan union. This finale gave us Roger’s ass, and while I think we can all agree that was a tremendous moment, it did not an epic finale make. We got other memorable images as well: the partners spreading out across their new office space, Joan standing proudly in the middle; Don watching Megan’s reel, so much love in his eyes; Don walking away from Megan on her commercial set (symbolism 101!), finding himself alone (or is he?) shortly thereafter at a bar; and of course, Pete getting punched in the face two.more.times. We also enjoyed a nice little impromptu scene with Don and Peggy, and we got the sense that Peggy is going to be just fine without Don (more on that later). But there’s the rub: The finale felt like a collection of beautiful moments and images more than a story. And so did much of the season.

BG: Everyone hating on the finale, huh? To me, “The Phantom” was actually pretty good. There were the obvious highlights — Roger’s glorious ass, Pete’s incredible train sequence — but there was also a deeper, less intuitive gratification. In a very subtle series of shots, Matthew Weiner offered a recap, and a preview, of what to expect from each character. Though the two previous episodes indicated otherwise, Mad Men thrives on its buildup. The show emphasizes details over outcome, and more often than not, such sequences are more telling of a character’s internal monologue. Sure, there was no shocking event that paralleled Peggy leaving or Lane hanging himself. But Roger seems to have changed (Marie Calvet is Jane’s polar opposite), Don seems to be approaching inner peace (something clicked after his visit to the dentist and his film-viewing of Megan) and Pete seems to have hit rock bottom (he’s been completely erased from Beth Dawes’ memory). Entering Season 6, plenty remains unanswered. That’s exactly what I want.

3. Which character had the most compelling Season 5 storyline?

OSC: I know the easy answer is Joan,  but I’m going with the human punching bag Pete Campbell. Is it more fun to see anyone else on TV go through trials and tribulations? From his highs — Don! Don! Look at my hi-fi system! — to his lows — literally being erased from his fling Beth’s memory — Pete never failed at being probably the most annoyingly entertaining character on Mad Men this spring. And just think, when we next see him, he’ll most likely have his own apartment in the city…

BG: Since you’re passing on Joan, I’ll certainly take her. Our favorite busty redhead left her husband, rejected Lane’s advances and slept with sleazy Jaguar dealer Herb Rennet (for a five percent partnership!). Like Don (the other clear choice here), she’s been on a season-long search for happiness, one that ultimately left her unsatisfied. But her most compelling scene was her test drive turned bar date with Don. The sexual tension between the two has been building since Season 1, and — if only for a fleeting moment — fans thought they might be treated to the most epic hook-up in television history. But then the world would’ve exploded. It’s probably better that it didn’t happen.

MR: My first thoughts were Joan and Pete, but since OSC and BG covered those so well I’ll go with Roger. (Actually, one quick series crossover thought on Pete: If he lived in modern times, would he be part of the Californication “Fucking and Punching” chronicle or what?!) Roger admittedly dipped off in the season’s second half, but he had such a memorable stretch early on that it doesn’t even matter. His LSD trip was one of the funniest things Mad Men has ever done, the “truth” he and Jane found together after one of the most moving. His fling with Megan’s mom was vintage Silver Fox, the ensuing courtship classic needy Roger. His feud with Pete was arguably the most compelling bit of office drama (until Lane’s subterfuge and suicide, at least), his confidant relationship with Don as enjoyable as ever (even with infinitely less joint screen time this season). In a season full of aborted enlightenment, Roger was one of the few characters who actually sought out growth and understanding instead of settling for, well, settling.

NT: Wow, way to leave me with a whole lotta nothing. I was going to go with Roger – -he’s the only one who’s succeeding in his pursuit of happiness, cheap or not. But I’ll make a claim for Peggy. The future Ms. Virginia Slims was all over the place this season, from a clumsy sleep over with Dawn to an even more inept “proposal” dinner, not to mention a fearsome number of outbursts. It wasn’t long before she realized it wasn’t worth the trouble, and by now she’s capable of getting just what she wants. She’s on the road, in a seedy motel drinking a glass of something brown – -and she couldn’t be happier. Just don’t look out the window.

4. Least compelling?

MR: Fat Betty. I get it. January Jones used to be one of the show’s stars, and the creators didn’t want to kick her completely to the curb after the Draper divorce. But while hiding Jones’ real-life pregnancy with a fat suit might have been a creative necessity, it was also a creative dud. Aside from one hilarious whipped cream craving, this subplot bored me to tears. And if possible, it made Betty even less sympathetic and likeable as a wife, mother and general human being.

NT: Beth Dawes. So Pete Campbell needs to have a little fun too, I’m cool with that. I actually found his cathouse escapades with Jaguar exec. Edwin intriguing (and hilarious). But the apple of his eye, and source of distraction throughout the season, is a Gilmore Girl? Even she wasn’t interested in being part of his story, until she conveniently reappeared in the finale to tie in a shock therapy/let’s forget our past and everything we’ve done wrong metaphor. I like the parallel, but it couldn’t have come from a staler character.

OSC: Trudy Campbell. Although a case can be made for Harry Crane, I’m picking Trudy because she’s probably the only character on the show who annoys me more than her husband (but with no entertainment value). Cos Cob? Nighties during the day? Pool planning sketches with Pete painted in? The only important thing I can remember her doing all season is setting Pete free by granting his Manhattan apartment. I’ll take Annie Edison every day of the week.

BG: Fat Betty, and her largely forgettable mission to shed weight while pounding ice cream sundaes. But I will give her this: She, inarguably, delivered the best Thanksgiving speech of all time. “I’m thankful that I have everything I want and that no one has anything better.” Perfect.

5. What was the best moment or scene?

OSC: Hands down, Don finding the empty elevator shaft in “Lady Lazarus.” First off, the sheer surprise of the moment made it one of the most memorable scenes in the show’s history (there aren’t many ‘catch you off guard’ moments in Mad Men). But the symbolism at play is all sorts of wonderful. What we have before our eyes is the exact moment when Don’s new marriage has fallen apart. Megan, his perfect new wife, has just exited his work place, quickly on the path to becoming (we soon learn) just another Betty — a pretty lady living off of Don’s success and wealth, with no risk to drive her to be anything more. And Don is faced with the reality that he will need to find another way to satisfy himself.

MR: Peggy’s farewell with Don. If I may self-quote from our finale preview: “Though the seeds had been planted, it still felt like we’d had the rug pulled out from under us. To me, the Don-Peggy relationship has always been the heart of the show. … Don’s ‘let’s pretend that I’m not responsible for every good thing that’s happened to you’ line delivered exactly the right mix of truth and cruelty, but when it came down to it, the venom subsided and we were left with respect, love and understanding in its purest form. Peggy extended her hand for a shake, Don took it and kissed it, holding on just a bit too long. There was so much, and yet nothing, left to say. The episode was called’ The Other Woman,’ and while the name applied to multiple subplots, it spoke, at the most basic level, to Peggy’s role in Don’s life. No matter the wife or the mistress, Peggy was always the other woman for Don. The one he didn’t need to dote on. The one he didn’t need to impress. The one he couldn’t lose … until he did.” This was a defining moment for the season. Ultimately, it should prove a defining moment for the series.

BG: Is this really a question? For all of the memorable moments this season brought us, none can lay a finger on Roger’s outrageous LSD trip. It was the type of scene that we never saw coming — kind of like Tywin’s horse’s appearance in the Game of Thrones finale — that left us completely overjoyed. To recap: Roger attended a strange dinner party with Jane. He ate a white, sugar cube-looking block, and then watched as a couple across the room felt each other’s faces. Then things really got good. An uncorked vodka bottle started playing opera music, Roger’s cigarette shrunk like a sliding trombone, Roger imagined himself with split black and silver hair, Bert Cooper appeared on a $5 bill and Roger viewed the 1919 World Series from his bathtub. Then Roger successfully ended his marriage. It was simply amazing. I would try to elaborate, but I’d be doing the scene an injustice. Just cue up this clip, drop some acid and enjoy.

NT: It was no question Roger’s trip, but to save us from redundancy I’ll go with the bar scene following Don’s and Joan’s Jaguar test drive. “Christmas Waltz” was an odd episode, it got the worst domestic viewership of the season with a 1.92 rating and many complained that the story moved too conveniently; it was called “transparent and soapy.” But within that style, we were given the opportunity to bask in the semisynthetic romance between two of the show’s most powerful and sexual characters. While I never actually expected them to skip off to a hotel room — or the back of the cherry red Jaguar XKE (do they have backseats?) — you can’t deny the allure of Joan and Don in Midtown. Don, with that look on his face.

6. Which new character made the biggest impact?

NT: It seemed like Michael Ginsberg was going to have a much bigger impact this season when he arrived in “Tea Leaves,” but he soon seemed to slip into the zone of the Harry Cranes and Ken Cosgroves — important to the company but not a needle pusher on the season narrative. Upon reflection I realize he only won Jaguar for the team, edged Peggy out of her position in the company and, fitting the show’s general trend of social change, diversified the office as SCDP’s first Jewish presence. Maybe it was the errant promises of seeing more of his home life or hints of a greater clash with Don that distracted me from the actual impact he was making — through quality, hard-nosed work.

OSC: If the show was about the work, it would be called The Pitch, so I’m going to have disagree with NT here. I say Megan Draper. Sure sure, she’s not technically ‘new’ to the season, but she’s new to being a major character. So major, in fact, that she drove the action across most aspects of the show: from the office to the home, from Sally and Betty to Don and Roger (via one promiscuous and cold-hearted mother in the case of Sterling). Unfortunately for her, it seems that her lasting impact will be what she has (re)turned Don into in the season’s final scene — his old self.

MR: Fear not, NT, you’ve got my support! Mrs. Calvet certainly made her presence felt; Beth was bland as all get-out, but she played a key part in one of the season’s most compelling storylines; and I suspect Dawn will prove to be a major player in what should be a race-charged Season 6. But the answer’s clearly Ginsberg. He might be annoying, but he’s also got a bizarrely magnetic quality about him. More importantly, he’s a huge part of the reason Peggy’s gone and Don’s on a mental walkabout. Don may claim not to think about Ginsberg at all, but the rest of us certainly do.

BG: If the question involves impact, a notion all three of you alluded to, can we really overlook Beth Dawes? She may be bland. She may be whiny and nonsensical. But she’s a total babe (those eyes!) and caused potentially irreparable damage to Pete’s psyche. Imagine falling in love with someone and having that person forget you completely. For all that Lane’s suicide fucked with Don’s head, this might prove to have an even more unremitting impact on Pete.

7. Speaking of Pete: Who will punch him in the face next?

BG: Isn’t it obvious? EVERYBODY will punch Pete Campbell by the end of Season 6. Here’s how I envision it playing out: Pete will strut into the next partner meeting to announce that SCDP is now in the running for JoS. A. Bank. Don, infuriated because he wears much nicer suits, will immediately respond by breaking Pete’s nose. Pete will naturally hit the desk during his fall, and blood will stream steadily down his face. As he gathers himself, Pete will say something like, “I don’t need you. I get all the new business, anyway.” Roger will take offense and promptly strap on some brass knuckles to wallop Pete’s forehead. Stunned and delirious, Pete will stagger to his feet. Only as he’s getting up, Joan will meet him with a swift uppercut to the chin. She’ll say, “That’s for whoring me out,” and will stick her high heel in his eye. A barely conscious Pete will then leave to take the early train home — where he’s again decked by the conductor — and will arrive to find Trudy sleeping with Howard. Howard will gleefully offer a roundhouse punch to his temple, and Trudy will follow suit by dislocating his jaw. An unseen narrator will then utter “Finish him!” and Pete’s baby will poop on his face.

MR: What he said! Other thoughts: I’d love to see Joan deck Pete after their super frosty exchange vis-a-vis the sex-for-Jaguar deal Pete struck. I’d get a real kick of out seeing Ken smack Pete the first time Campbell interferes with Dow Chemical. And I’d really like to see Trudy punch Pete once she finally figures out (again) what a slimy piece of shit he is. But few things would bring me as much joy as seeing Roger level Pete, his mentee-turned-rival. Obviously, double bonus points if Roger is getting a hummer from Megan’s mom before, after or while PPCing.

NT: Seems like all other bases are covered so I’ll just go with Tammy Campbell. For giving her such a bland name and an even worse haircut.

OSC: Would it be too much to ask that, on the show’s finale, every character lines Full Metal Jacket style and one-by-one, cold cocks a whimpering Campbell in the face? If yes, then my guess is Don’s new black secretary Dawn.

8. Enlightenment was a big theme this season. Did any character actually experience one?

MR: In the finale, Pete tells a brain-fried Beth about a “friend” who realized his family was a “temporary bandage on a permanent wound.” As beautiful as the line was, and as much as it gave us to chew on, it felt, more than anything, like an excuse. So much of this season was about Don falling out of time (cue opening credits), caught in a state of cognitive dissonance, knowing he should be overjoyed about his seemingly perfect marriage and job but experiencing existential dread nonetheless. Suddenly, Don doesn’t know the Rolling Stones. Suddenly, Don can’t write the best Sno Ball pitch. Suddenly, Don isn’t cool. But Don remains, if nothing else, self-aware. “What is happiness?” He asks at the Dow Chemical pitch. “It’s a moment before you need more happiness.” And while that may be true, it equates to a state of arrested development more than a state of enlightenment. In the Mad Men universe, the bandage is temporary, and so is the clarity our characters experienced in Season 5. Except for the ones dropping acid, of course.

NT: I’d say Joany had a sort of quiet enlightenment. She started off the season with a bang kicking Hurt Locker hubby Greg to the curb leaving her, baby Kevin and smother, Gail, to fend for themselves. And aside from a horrible taste in names (seriously what’s with these parents, I guess these were the days before Suri and Blue Ivy) and a disconcerting decision she was forced to make for the Jaguar account, the blustery red head made her way to a share in the company. She always seemed to be the kind of girl who wouldn’t take flak from anyone, and while she’s not as obstinate as Peggy, she put into action her brazen personality when it mattered most. Fully enlightened? Far from it, but without question she surprised and impressed herself this season.

BG: Even though he said it wore off, it’s gotta be Roger. His LSD-induced divorce freed him from the shackles of his previously stagnant life, allowing him to mingle at social functions with Sally and seduce Megan’s mother. Roger may have had a temporary setback, and there’s no justifiable excuse for allowing Pete to pimp Joan out. But in the closing moments of the finale, as his bare backside gleamed triumphantly across our TV screens, the message was clear: Roger figured it out. The world can kiss his ass.

9. How did Don respond to the pickup in the bar?

BG: After thinking for a moment, Don stared into his scotch, glanced briefly at the woman and turned quickly to the bartender. “I need a napkin,” he said. Then he reached for a pen in his pocket, scribbled a quick note and left the bar dramatically. The friend glanced at the napkin, puzzled by Don’s message. Meet me at Howard Johnson’s. P.S. Do you like orange sherbet?

MR: I really hope he passed. I’ve said all along that Don and Megan are doomed, and that while the show is clearly setting up Megan to be the one who runs, it ultimately has to be Don. He’s self-destructive by nature, incapable of ever letting his happiness be more than a moment before another moment. And while I suppose it’s natural that Don’s short-circuited enlightenment would end in adultery, this would just feel like such a … cheat. Don never came close to straying this season. Sure, he lost control of Megan for good when she landed a national commercial, but he’s Don, so he probably filed that under the “let’s pretend that I’m not responsible for every good thing that’s happened to you” category he usually reserves for Peggy. If Season 6 opens with Don in bed with one of those floozies, I’m going to pretty disappointed. Not just in Don, but in myself for believing people can really change, and in the show for believing they can’t.

OSC: MR, I think there’s a name for what you’re stricken with: delusion. Is there any question how Don responded? He absolutely slept with the beauty at the end of the bar. But before he did, as he and his new admirer were leaving, he shot a passing look at the other friend that lingered with her. They ran into each other at a bar a few weeks later, and he slept with her too. Don Draper, in all his flawed glory, is back, people. And in the sickest twist, he’s back because he gave Megan everything she wanted — the commercial — which made her everything he didn’t want. I think Don intended to change, MR, but realized that many things around him were following the same old patterns, and gave in, resigned.

NT:  There’s no question that Don said yes, but forget the girls at the bar, I want to know who’s next. Don is sick of random bar hook ups and receptionists, even actresses bore him (commercial actresses at least). He doesn’t want the girl who has to audition; he wants the girl who gets discovered. So I’m predicting a high profile mistress to accompany him through his and Megan’s inevitable decline.

10. Early Season 6 predictions?

NT: It may be wishful thinking, but I think it’s all about to get weird. Not like euphonic Stoli bottle weird, but a no-holds-barred do fest. Pete with an apartment in the city, Roger with a seemingly endless acid hook-up and Don with too little discretion and too much Canadian Club spells trouble, not to mention they’ve got money to blow. I don’t think we’ll make it to 1969 in Season 6, but the prospect of Woodstock, the moon landing and the Manson murders infiltrating this world is too sweet, and if we don’t get there yet please add more period relevant events. Being backstage at the Rolling Stones concert ruled; now get Don to London near the end of the decade, sit him on a bench outside the Apple building and have him look up.

OSC: I agree with NT. As we’ve seen already in the show, when business is good, the personnel acts badly. I expect debauchery, blood and heartache (obviously). But more, I expect another death. I expect a drastic shift in power. And I expect we begin to see traces of the downfall of the Sterlings/Coopers/Drapers of the company — those averse to change in a faster and faster changing period. I predict the start of the beginning of the end.

MR: Peggy turns that “lady cigarette” into Virginia Slims, and everything changes. The most relevant title of the season might have been “The Other Woman,” because this was really a season about the women of Mad Men. Joan, Peggy, Megan. Shit, even Sally! The ladies are taking over, the men are fading away. You want truth, Roger? There it is.

BG: I envision an epic Don and Megan fallout, a Pete Campbell act of desperation and a Betty Draper Francis return to form (literally). Oh, and SDCP gets a second floor. More room for lawn mowers.

Bill Compton, Eric Northman and Nora Gainsborough happily welcome the Vampire Authority during the ‘True Blood’ Season 5 premiere. (HBO)

SPOILER ALERT: This entry contains information through the most recent episode of True Blood, “Turn! Turn! Turn!” (Season 5, Episode 1).

Following last week’s Game of Thrones finale, I was crestfallen: It sunk in that I have wait 10 months until the Season 3 premiere. Life will have to go on without Dany, Tyrion and Arya, and I’ll have to cope with a dragon and Robb Stark hair-free existence. Though I’ll see less of Joffrey, I still went through the requisite stages of grief: Denial, uncontrollable rage, and finally, acceptance (It’s going to be okay. Isn’t it? ISN’T IT?!)

Thankfully, something happened to stunt my depression. True Blood made its Season 5 debut. And while shows like Game of Thrones and Mad Men prefer slow burn tactics, steadily building toward late-season revelations, True Blood favors a start-with-a-bang approach, introducing chaos from the onset and making sense of everything (or at least a few things) later.

“Turn! Turn! Turn!” was no exception. Here are five takeaways from our long-awaited return to Bon Temps.

1. Eric Northman is back and better than ever. For most of Season 4, viewers were exposed to a different side of Eric, one defined by compassion and naivety. After being mentally brain-wiped by Marnie, he forgot everything, desiring nothing more than to incessantly please Sookie. In many respects, he was more zombie than vampire. He ignored his predilection towards glamouring, sex and violence.

If “Turn! Turn! Turn!” was any indication, that’s anything but the case in Season 5. After offering a curt “Fuck Sookie” in the opening minutes, Eric blew up a car with an umbrella, furthered his burgeoning bromance with Bill and indulged in ultra-noisy, raucous sex with Nora (portrayed by the beautiful Lucy Griffiths), his sister — Godric is also her maker — who works for the Authority. Eric even said, “We fight like siblings, but we fuck like champions.” That, unquestionably, is both the greatest and most disturbing thing I’ve ever heard.

Eric was later redubbed Ike Applebaum (the foil to Bill’s Marcellus Clark, and presumably a driver’s ed teacher) and has since been surrounded by a horde of vampire snipers. And though it’s of lesser importance, we also learned that Eric makes for a phenomenal maid. Did you see how quickly he cleaned up Nan Flanagan’s messy vampire guts? Record time!

2. Sookie and Lafayette are predictably unstable. To be fair, it’s probably understandable that both Sookie and Lafayette enter the season with emotional baggage. Sookie just watched her best friend take a bullet before blowing Debbie’s brains out (maliciously, we might add), while Lafayette recently gutted his lover, Jesus, after being possessed by Marnie’s vindictive, pissed off ghost. Undoubtedly, those are some pretty tough pills to swallow.

But this is True Blood, and fucked up is the norm. After four years of vampire-, shape-shifter-, werewolf- and fairy-induced madness, don’t you think these two would be better equipped for mental trauma by now?

Sookie’s misery could soon subside — Tara has successfully been turned into a vamp (more on this later), though Russell Edgington is now on her trail — allowing her to pursue her favorite pastime of seducing men with her “super snatch.” But Lafayette may be more disconcerting. He looked like the defeated basement prisoner Lafayette of Season 2, and even seemed to consider suicide, though, thankfully, he used Sookie’s pink razor to shave his head instead.

3. Jason Stackhouse is a wanted man…but not by Jessica. Oddsmaker time: Who is our favorite Southern man slut, Jason Stackhouse, most likely to bang in the coming weeks: Jessica, schoolgirl Cami or…Rev. Steve Newlin? Let’s handicap the choices!

Jason and Jessica offer their Rock Band rendition of The Runaways “Cherry Bomb”.

The dark horse is Newlin, who not only returned from the dead in his finest Vineyard Vines get-up, but glamoured Jason, professed his love for him and — upon being rejected — went into full-fledged crazy ex-girlfriend mode, baring his fangs and preparing to trash Jason’s house. But the clear favorite is Jessica. She has already slept with Jason (in the back of a truck bed!), has taken to dressing like a sexed-up Little Red Riding Hood (which is completely and totally amazing) and is outrageously horny all the time. She’s pretty much the perfect woman.

Problem is, Jessica wants to keep things casual, which means hosting sorority slumber parties, belting out the lyrics to “Cherry Pie” on Rock Band and ignoring Jason’s Game Stop-approved lead guitar skills. And while Jason may currently be immune to surefire pick-up lines (“But we were rocking so hard!”), he’s bound to fall back into his think-with-my-cock mentality sooner rather than later.

4. Shit’s about to get real for the Bellefleur boys, and for Sam and Alcide. If Terry Bellefleur did overcome his Season 4 dilemma (be gone, demon baby!), he didn’t gain much resolution from it. His ex-Marines buddy, Patrick, has arrived to bring him a heaping dose of PTSD, and likely take his psyche to a whole new level of crazy that Arlene can’t be prepared for. Andy’s problems are less significant, but they’re no less intriguing: He was walked in on after screwing Holly and freely dismissed a speeding ticket for Jerry Jones Judge Clements’ son. The repercussions could be boundless!

As for Sam and Alcide, following their failed Spartacus routine (I killed Marcus! No I killed Marcus!), they need to avoid an enraged and bloodthirsty Wolfpack. I don’t know what kind of superpowers eating a former pack leader provides, but I assume they’re similar to the benefits of V: super strength, instant healing and a buttload of untamed testosterone. That could spell trouble, unless Alcide’s observant nose — “It smells like lemons on top of ammonia on top of bleach” — can save them.

5. Tara just became a mega-crazy-bitch vampire! If you thought that Tara was a balls-to-the-wall psycho as a lesbian boxer, think again. The Tara crazy scale has been upped to a completely different level: Tara is a vampire and she lost all of her memories. I can’t think of anything more terrifying — or amazing.

Better yet, Tara’s maker is Pam, everyone’s favorite uber-sassy vamp. And not only did she coin the phrase “super snatch” in the premiere, but she donned a flower-embroidered yellow Wal-Mart sweater. Incredible. If (and when) these two team up, they could form the most tantalizing, bitchy, undead tandem since…well probably ever.

Could Season 5 be True Blood‘s best ever? We’re about to find out. Can’t wait.

1. Lane punches Pete Campbell:

2. Howard punches Pete Campbell:

3. The train conductor punches Pete Campbell:

If you want more amazing Mad Men GIF-action — and frankly, how could you not? — check out UPROXX’s hilarious finale recap and even more hilarious 50-slide season review. And be sure to check back soon for some actual Mad Men Season 5 analysis from PPC.

Don’s confrontation with Lane in “Commissions and Fees” will remain a defining moment for the series.

SPOILER WARNING: This post contains details through the most recent episode of Mad Men, “Commissions and Fees.”

Two weeks, two bombshells. That’s perhaps the quickest way to sum up the most recent episodes of Mad Men. Following the latest developments, Season 5 has abruptly switched gears, exchanging Howard Johnson-sponsored vacations and glorious Roger Sterling acid trips for scenarios once unfathomable to even the most cynical viewers.

Peggy quit and Lane committed suicide. Just writing that sentence truly, devastatingly hurts.

Now that we’ve picked our jaws off the floor and finished our requisite mourning, however, the folks at PPC are finally ready to react. And there’s no shortage of questions. Namely: Entering Sunday’s finale, what does it all mean?

Peggy quits Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce

BG: Despite the buildup, despite her growing discontent and feelings of under appreciation, Peggy’s decision to leave SCDP was nothing short of stunning. It happened so fast. A meal with Freddy Rumsen led to an offer from Cutler, Gleason and Chaough, then to a gut-wrenching meeting with Don. The Mad Men faithful, collectively, watched in utter disbelief.

But what struck me most wasn’t the abruptness of the scenario. That’s been a staple of the show for years, from the outrageous John Deere incident to Don’s sudden proposal to Megan. What was most blindsiding about Peggy’s money-can’t-buy-me departure was how vulnerable it made Don seem — and not just as a result of his own self-destructive tendencies.

Sure, we’ve seen Don in bad places before. He struggled to conceal/reveal his true identity, overcome his adulterous ways and resurrect his career after a borderline bout with alcoholism (even more than usual) throughout most of Season 4. Even this year, he’s had issues reconciling his work with his increasingly complicated marriage with Megan. But as he clasped Peggy’s hand, kissing it and staring brokenly into her eyes, he seemed more defeated than ever. The world had won. It was like watching your father cry for the first time.

Don has had people leave him before, but Peggy — even more so than Betty and Megan — has always been his rock. And while I’m certainly happy for Peggy’s career advancement (her 2012 salary equivalent is more than $130,000!), her decision also leaves me wondering: Can Don ever turn things back around?

MR: Funny, I didn’t find Peggy’s departure remotely stunning. Heartbreaking, yes. But surprising? No. Peggy’s Season 5 arc had been building toward her exit from the moment she hired her own replacement in Michael Ginsberg. And don’t forget those not-so-cryptic chats with Ken about their “plan.”

But in that way, it was also a classic Mad Men moment: Though the seeds had been planted, it still felt like we’d had the rug pulled out from under us. To me, the Don-Peggy relationship has always been the heart of the show. And so foreshadowing or not, this was still a complete and total punch to the gut. It was also a complete and total success creatively, and arguably one of the most impactful moments in television history.

Jon Hamm and Elisabeth Moss are always so good together, and they were at their best in this scene. Don’s “let’s pretend that I’m not responsible for every good thing that’s happened to you…” line delivered exactly the right mix of truth and cruelty, but when it came down to it, the venom subsided and we were left with respect, love and understanding in its purest form. Peggy extended her hand for a shake, Don took it and kissed it, holding on just a bit too long. There was so much, and yet nothing, left to say.

The episode was called “The Other Woman,” and while the name applied to multiple subplots, it spoke, at the most basic level, to Peggy’s role in Don’s life. No matter the wife or the mistress, Peggy was always the other woman for Don. The one he didn’t need to dote on. The one he didn’t need to impress. The one he couldn’t lose … until he did.

Lane Pryce commits suicide

MR: While Lane’s suicide was a foregone conclusion from the moment Don confronted him with the forged check at the beginning of the episode, this was a masterful bit of storytelling in other ways. It made Lane’s money troubles, which had been a fairly uncompelling B-storyline for many episodes, incredibly relevant. It gave us a death that was big enough to impact everything, yet tangential enough to leave the show’s core DNA intact. And it closed the loop on an impressive bit of misdirection: Many viewers felt this season was building toward a suicide; they just thought Pete would be the one tying the rope.

More than anything, though, this season has been about the state of Don’s psyche. Lane’s death was no exception.

For many , the beginning of this season felt … off. Maybe it was because our expectations were too high after such a long wait. Maybe it was a classic case of Mad Men slow burn. Or maybe it just felt weird to see Don happy. Of course, below that happiness there lurked a newfound self-doubt and a sense of existential despair. Don can’t really be happy. He’s not built to operate that way.

He told us as much when pitching Dow Chemical: “What is happiness?” Don asked. He knows the answer better than most. “It’s a moment before you need more happiness.”

That speech immediately proceeded another very telling exchange: “What happened to your enlightenment?” Don asked Roger, who’d been a different man since an LSD trip helped him see the truth. “I don’t know,” Roger answered. “Wore off.”

Doesn’t it always?

BG: To preface this answer, let me start with this: We saw this coming. We did. Despite the post-traumatic stress induced from seeing Lane’s lifeless corpse, this suicide seemed preordained, a near-certainty from the moment Lane forged Don’s name and embezzled $50,000. Rumors circulated over whether he’d be the silhouetted figure falling in Mad Men’s intro sequence, but, one way or another, he was going to die. In retrospect, Lane’s suicide was one of the most predictable moments of the series so far.

But make no mistake: Foreshadowing didn’t make it any easier to swallow. And while all of the partners were unequivocally crushed by Lane’s hanging, Don suffered most. Just one week after parting ways with Peggy, Don now believes that he’s partially responsible for another man’s death.

To me, that’s the most remarkable thing about the suicide. Matthew Weiner offed Lane, a major character, just to deliver a Mack Truck-sized blow to Don’s psyche. There are certainly other implications, and most of the prominent characters will be impacted in the aftermath. But after learning the consequences of his “things will get better” speech, a mindset he genuinely believes (or believed), the Mad Men’s protagonist is now at his most unstable. Almost nothing he could do would be surprising at this point.

Don’s season-long search for happiness has been drastically derailed, and no matter what he does — from landing the Jaguar account to berating Dow Chemical — seems to stop the bleeding. Maybe Glen was right, after all. Everything turns out crappy.

What can we expect from the Season 5 finale?

BG: I truly have no idea — and I think that’s the point. By dealing Don two devastating blows in rapid succession, Weiner has created an environment in which his leading man could do anything, from leaving SCDP to cheating on Megan to (gulp) plummeting toward the pavement on Madison Avenue. (Well, probably not the last one. Jon Hamm’s contract seems to dictate otherwise.)

The Season 5 finale could change everything, or nothing. And that’s the beauty of it. It’s Don Draper’s world. We’re just watching it.

MR: Don has spent most of this season occupying the role of moral compass, from hiring a black secretary, to telling Joan (too late) not to prostitue herself, to forcing Lane to resign. Where has it gotten him? He lost Peggy. He played a part in Lane’s death. He’s in a marriage that’s far from perfect with a woman he can’t control. Will he continue to embrace that guiding True North, making good on his threat to shut down the Jaguar deal? Or will he shun this new Don, who’s lost his edge, and plenty else?

I’ve always believed Don and Megan can’t last. And while the show has been setting Megan up to be the one who runs, I think it has to be Don. He’s self-destructive by nature, incapable of letting that happiness ever be more than a moment before another moment.

This has been a great season for a few supporting players, namely Pete, Joan and Roger. I’d like to see at least one more moment between Joan and Roger, and I think the show owes us some resolution after investing so heavily in Pete’s depression and destructive tendencies this season. But as is so often the case, it’s really all about Don. At least, it should be.

For just $30,000, you can purchase your very own replica of the Iron Throne and sit as comfortably as Dwight K. Schrute, Assistant to the Regional Manager.

Father’s Day is less than two weeks away, so if you’re like me, you’ll wait another 10 days, purchase the last semi-funny-but-mostly-corny card at CVS and pat yourself on the back. It’s a time-honored tradition on par with calling your college roommate the day after his birthday. That’s just the way things get done.

If you’re one of the overly ambitious types who wants to buy something early, however, I have the perfect gift for you. HBO IS NOW SELLING REPLICA IRON THRONES. For a paltry $30,000 (and an additional $1,800 for shipping), you can buy the greatest chair in the universe, a seat worthy of those screaming furiously at the TV while pondering how to kill Joffrey.

If you don’t want to spend $30,000 on good ‘ol dad, though, I’d still recommend acquiring one for yourself (or me). I’d also recommend using it in one of the following three ways, which you can view after the jump.

1. The Iron Throne as a desk chair. Looking for a way to spice up your office? This is the perfect solution. Not only will your co-workers gain immense respect for you, but you’ll undoubtedly become smarter, more productive and more attractive to the hottie in the cubicle nearby. Perhaps most importantly, you’ll have a legitimate excuse to murder the inexplicably loud-chewer who sits behind you. As soon as he eyes your 350-pound power-chair, simply torch the bastard with your newly obtained wildfire (included with the purchase).

2. The Iron Throne as patio furniture. It’s summer, which means you probably plan to sit on your porch, pound some casual Bud Light Limes and listen to “Call Me Maybe” a few hundred times. But you know how to make that experience even more awesome? Do it while sitting in the fucking Iron Throne. Plus, the chair gives you unquestioned authority to command your parents/children/siblings/significant others in any way you see fit. Mom, the meatloaf. We want it.

3. The Iron Throne as a love seat. I know what you’re thinking: How can a 7-foot-2 Iron Throne composed of a thousand swords with spikes and jagged edges be ideal for love-making? Why not use an appropriately named Lovesac instead, or simply find the nearest bed? The answer is easy. If you spend $30,000 (and an additional $1,800 for shipping) on the greatest chair in the universe, you have to have sex on it. This is true no matter how inconveniently it’s placed, how much your partner objects or how many people are standing around watching. It’s an obligation. The upside is, if you do have a baby, it will definitely be a dragon. Or a shadow monster.

SPOILER ALERT: Don’t read this if you haven’t seen every single second of every single episode of Seasons 1 and 2. You’ve been warned.

1. Overall, what grade would you give Season 2?

BG: A-. If our endless obsessing was any indication, Season 2 more than lived up to its sky-high hype. It featured incredible dialogue, Emmy-worthy acting and one of the greatest battle scenes I’ve ever watched, replete with a legendary speech and a mind-blowing wildfire explosion. My only complaint? Dany was naked way more often in Season 1.

MR: B+. I’ll probably give it an A- after I watch it a second time, but I had a few too many issues with pacing and book discrepancies (don’t worry, folks: I’ve only read the first two books so far, so I don’t have any knowledge of events beyond what we’ve seen) to award an A-grade right away. That said, the dialogue was killer, the acting largely did it justice and the on-location shooting added an incredible element. Balancing so many characters and storylines is an unenviable task, but Team Thrones managed it pretty well. The “not enough happened” knock really isn’t fair, because even though the show exercises some license with canon loyalty, it’s still largely following a text. This season gave us one of the two best episodes of the series (“Blackwater,” second only to Season 1’s penultimate episode, “Baelor”), some of the most quotable moments in recent TV history and plenty of that sexposition we all love. All in all, a success.

CW: B+. I thought about the show at least once every day for the last four months. Yes, I’m aware that stretches back to before the season premiered. As BG notes, after all the hype, I’m totally satisfied. You know, like, after the risotto, satisfied. My main critiques of the season are more likely a result of being constricted by the narrative of the books. Some of the storylines just didn’t advance the way I’d hoped. Mainly the feud between the Starks and Lannisters and Robb’s failure to protect Winterfell. But apparently that holds true to Book 2 (which I’m reading now to confirm), so I can’t fault the show for that. And after all is said and done, only one episode disappointed me — “A Man Without Honor.” Solid season, through and through.

2. Which Season 2 storyline was most compelling?

Tyrion wowed viewers — and himself — with his Season 2 evolution into a brilliant battle tactician.

MR: Tyrion’s. Peter Dinklage really stole the show in Season 1, but he had even more awesome material at his disposal in Season 2 and he owned every second of it. His ascent from loveable outcast to leader of men — and subsequent plummet to scarred castaway — was gripping on a weekly basis. He made a whore fall in love with him, sold his own sister’s daughter, made “fish pie” an integral part of the Thrones vernacular, used a historical haul of wildfire to dismantle Stannis’ fleet and delivered one of the most epic battle speeches in television history. I’m so glad he’s not going to Pentos.

CW: Definitely Tyrion’s. But MR nailed that on the head, so how about Stannis? The rightful heir to the Iron Throne really came full circle in Season 2 after being no more than a myth in Season 1. First he seems like nothing more than a hardass totally under the spell of a mysterious fire priestess. After the finale all that’s still true. But he’s also a man of honor and a fearless warrior. He’s ruthless enough to kill his own brother, even if he feels remorse for it later. With 100,000 men at his back, he sails right into King’s Landing. When wildfire destroys much of his fleet, he leads his men with a simple war cry: “Come with me, and let’s take this city!” No such luck, as Tywin showed up out of nowhere to play spoiler, but something tells me Stannis ain’t giving up that easy. Looking forward to see him try again next year.

BG: Tyrion, for the reasons MR cited and more: He played “the game” brilliantly (just ask Lancel Lannister), delivered an all-time great battle speech and showed genuine compassion for Shae, the latter a development that seemed unfathomable at the season’s onset. But since he’s already been highlighted, I’ll also give some love to Jaqen H’ghar. True, he’s not a leading character. But a man spoke in third person, forged an enthralling friendship with Arya and showcased his unbelievable ability to switch faces. He also emerged as the greatest assassin in Westeros, able to kill anybody in the realm on command. I went from knowing nothing about the guy to legitimately loving him. That certainly counts for something.

3. Least compelling?

Robb and Talisa fell in love over an amputee. Nothing weird about that, right?

CW: Robb’s sexcapade. His lady friend is probably the hottest chick in Westeros, but this was last on my list of Stark storylines that I cared about. If the King in the North would have been thinking with the head on his shoulders instead of the one between his legs, he could have beheaded the Kingslayer, defeated the Lannisters, rescued his siblings and returned home to save Winterfell by now. It was flat-out creepy to see Robb go from six to midnight while Talisa hacked off limbs, and courting her just seemed to drag on too long. Still, it’s not all that bad. We did get a killer glimpse of sideboob!

BG: Robb’s — and it’s not particularly close. The King of the North was stagnant outside of his courtship of Talisa, sitting idly as Stannis’ and Tywin’s armies fought to the death and Theon captured, and subsequently surrendered, Winterfell. Still, seldom has anyone looked so good doing nothing. Robb may have lacked any defining moments — other than cursing Catelyn and mounting his soon-to-be bride — but his hair looked perfect. And despite his inaction, his scenes were infinitely better than any with Joffrey in them. That guy really, really sucks.

MR: Uh, were we watching the same show? Robb’s storyline may not have mattered much in terms of the larger plot, but at least it was entertaining. Dany did nothing until the finale. Need I remind you two she was OUT OF OUR TOP 10 until “Valar Morghulis?” Let’s recap what our favorite fair-haired maiden accomplished prior to her admittedly awesome Episode 10 storyline: First, she wandered in the Red Waste while her loyal subjects dropped like flies. Then, she wandered into Xaro’s trap, allowing her precious dragon babies — the key to her power, her claim, her quest — to be stolen from her own chambers. All the while, she spurned Jorah. Damn fool. Getting her dragons back was pretty dope, but Dany had all three dragons at the beginning of the season, which means she simply managed to get back to where she started. Yawn.

4. Which scene was the best of the season?

BG: Where to begin? There are countless choices, from Tyrion’s scheming (you lose, Pycelle!) to Joffrey’s cowpie-in-the-face incident to Robb’s hacksaw-hormonal escapades with Talisa. However, I’m going with a series that were consistently captivating: Tywin’s interactions with Arya. From her ducking of Littlefinger to her observation that “most girls are idiots,” Arya proved to be a worthy intellectual adversary — making for TV that was both intriguing and unpredictable. Oh, and in a holy-shit-that-was-fucked-up-let-me-see-it-again sort of way, Melisandre birthing a murky shadow baby was pretty cool, too.

CW: Countless choices indeed, but is it really a question? The wildfire explosion and Stannis’ attack on King’s Landing! Maybe I’m fishing with too big a net here, but that was the only sequence in the whole season that I rewound and watched immediately following the episode. It had a killer CGI explosion, dudes on fire, cliffhangers (what happened to the Onion Knight and son? And Bronn?), plot development and good ol’ fashion steel-on-steel violence. As a fan of the Final Destination series, I thought the ridiculous deaths were fucking awesome. Stannis was in the splash zone for a boulder to the dome-piece, but then got even by chopping half a dude’s skull off. Tyrion chopped a leg off and delivered a swift axe to the face. Bronn had some target practice with a longbow and proved he can handle himself hand-to-hand. The Hound had a major defining moment when he tucked his tail and bailed. Bottom line: The attack was what we were all waiting for, and it totally delivered.

MR: The one-on-one exchanges are always the highlight for me, from the Tywin-Arya tea sessions, to the Jon-Ygritte flirty taunts, to the Bronn-Hound pissing contest before “Blackwater.” But two particular pairings topped the rest this season: Dany-Drogo and Tyrion-Cersei. As blah as most of Dany’s Season 2 storyline was, her brief moment with Drogo in the House of the Undying was simply tremendous. At once funny and sad, haunting and moving. Even that, however, couldn’t quite match the seething Season 2 showdowns between Tyrion and Cersei, where wit and venom were always in ample supply. They set the bar with their Small Council exchange in the premiere, matched it with the midseason Myrcella feud and surpassed it tenfold in “The Prince of Winterfell,” when Cersei got such pleasure out of showing Tyrion she’d taken Ros captive, and Tyrion replied with one of the best lines the show has given us to date: “I will hurt you for this. The day will come when your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth, and you will know the debt is paid.”

5. Which death impacted you the most?

MR: Renly’s. This season didn’t deliver any deaths on par with Ned’s Season 1 beheading, but Renly was a pretty major player (even if he didn’t get a ton of screen time) and his midseason death came right at the height of his relevance. In addition to the shocking timing, Renly’s offing takes the cake because a) his own brother ordered it and b) he got killed by a freakin’ shadow baby. There are a lot of ways to die on Thrones, but this one upped the ante and changed the, er, game.

BG: Renly’s death certainly was the most stunning, especially given that it came out of nowhere and at the hand of a mysterious black shadow creature. But the most impactful? I’ll give the nod to Ser Rodrik, for two reasons: He had arguably the best beard in the show and his beheading demonstrated just how delusional Theon really was. Renly’s death had a bigger effect on Westeros, but Rodrik’s demise served as a more telling indicator of one character’s true colors. It depicted Theon’s transition from a Stark ally to an utter and total scumbag, a sister-groper who unabashedly hates hornblowers. It also proved beyond all doubt that Theon really needs to hit the gym more.

CW: Rodrick and Renly both had a major impact on the show, but my boy Yoren was a tough one to swallow. He grew on me exponentially in each of his brief appearances until taking a sword down the spine when fighting off the Gold Cloaks by himself. Even after getting shot and facing sure death, he was a total badass: “I always hated crossbows. Take too damn long to reload.” On the opposite end of the spectrum, Maester Luwin’s demise came out of nowhere too. I hate Theon and the Iron Islanders even more after that.

6. Which character(s) do you most to see die? And how…

MR: Joffrey. Duh. I want Cersei to pay for putting a hit out on Tyrion, but she’s too entertaining to kill (yet). I want Theon to rot for causing Winterfell’s destruction, but I confess I have a bit of a soft spot for him. I want Stannis to die because he sucks at life, but the dude does have a legitimate gripe. Joffrey has zero redeemable qualities. He’s a smarmy sack of shit. Speaking of shit, maybe the people of King’s Landing will stone the Bitch King to death … with cow pies. If not, here’s hoping Dany’s test in the House of the Undying was actually a prophecy, and that King’s Landing will be turned to ruins by dragon fire. And here’s hoping Joffrey is doing his causal lean-and-pout in the Iron Throne when it happens and is either burned to a crisp or bitten in half — or both! — by one of Dany’s babies.

BG: It’s gotta be Joff. I could try to get cute with other options — Littlefinger is a sleaze; Varys has no penis — but the Bitch King has to die. He simply has to. This question would actually be better reworded to read “What are your three favorite ways to murder King Joff?” For me, it’s as follows: 1) Tyrion strangles him while screaming “Where is your God now?” 2) The Hound disembowels him with Sansa clapping in the background and 3) Tywin’s horse poops on him so frequently and so viciously that Joffrey actually drowns in a hot, steamy pile of shit. Actually, let’s just go with No. 3. That definitely needs to happen.

CW: Yep, this one is definitely unanimous. Joffrey has to go. BG, your No. 3 will be hard to top. MR, if the dragons are going to off him, I’ve predicted a pretty solid way for Joff to get killed (twice!) in my season three predictions below. But let me throw this out there: What if Sansa does the deed in the ultimate self-sacrifice? She almost got the nerve to do it in the first season after Ned was beheaded, a simple shove and he’d have plummeted to his death. Too bad the Hound intervened. The Hound left King’s Landing with a ceremonious “Fuck the King!” so who’ll stop her this time? Here’s to hoping Joffrey tries some of the bullshit Littlefinger laid out, Sansa rips Hearteater from his sheath (the second time a Stark girl will have taken his sword), and makes him cry like the punk bitch he is before lopping his head off in one clean swoop.

7. Which character(s) do you most want to bang? And how…

If Jorah’s not going to have sex with Dany, he should at least take a tumble with MR.

CW: Margaery Tyrell on the Iron Throne. OK, maybe not on the Iron Throne, that might get a little dangerous. But at least in the Throne Room. Oh, and Joffrey is locked away somewhere nearby, spending his final few hours before death listening to the soundtrack of me taking his new bride to a boneyard he’s never visited. So… Obviously a lot of factors going on here. Let’s start with the obvious: Joffrey fucking sucks, so I’d like to make him miserable any way possible. Second: She’s hot. Not the hottest in Westeros (see No. 3 above), but still pretty darn fine. Lastly, and maybe most importantly: This chick is down for whatever. She didn’t bat an eye when suggesting her bro join in on the fun with Renly. I probably wouldn’t go that route, but you know she’ll get funky.

MR: I mean, have you seen Jorah’s jawline? His tanned, manly skin? His soft, sad eyes? Have you heard the way he says “bean” instead of “been?” Whispers encouragement? Shouts “KHALEESI!” He is, quite simply, walking sex. I’ll win him over by presenting him Longclaw, his former sword. He’ll respond in kind by showing me his longclaw. After we make sweet, passionate love, he’ll turn to me and whisper: “Sometimes I look at you and I can’t believe you’re real.” Sigh.

BG: Let me set the scene: It’s a crisp winter evening, moments after Dany has captured the Iron Throne. Her now medium-sized dragons have just set fire to King’s Landing, torching the city and melting Joffrey into bitchwax. She stands triumphant — everything that a queen should be. Then she turns to me. Dany slowly struts over. Her dragons crawl up her spine. They disrobe her, and we’re just about to begin when … wait, who’s that? Robb? What are you doing here? And why does your hair look totally impeccable? You know what, you guys go ahead. No really, I insist. It’s better that way. I’ll just watch.

8. Fly your banners: Which house would you align with?

BG figures if he has to die, it might as well be for Dany and her awesome dragons.

CW: Ask me this question before the finale and it would have been a different answer. But I’ve always thought I’d be a damn good zombie killer if the shit ever hit the fan. So fuck it, I’ll take the black and join up with The Night’s Watch north of the Wall. Now let’s just hope we find another way to kill the White Walkers besides death by fire.

BG: Dany, without question. The Lannisters and Starks may possess more power and resources, but Khaleesi is Christ-like, literally. After nearly being crucified in the House of the Undying, she managed to send Pyat Pree to a shocking and fiery death, a turnaround that should convert even the fiercest Dany-atheists into believers. While she has a tendency for over-the-top proclamations (WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS?!?), she routinely lets her pint-sized pets climb all over her semi-clothed body. If I’m likely to die anyway, I’m totally cool with that being the final image I see.

MR: The Starks. What can I say, I’m a sucker for heros. I love Tyrion, but I want pretty much every other Lannister to die a horrible death. I want a dragon, but I still can’t decide if Dany is going to be the beloved savior Jorah predicts or a terrible conqueror. The Starks are fighting a noble fight. Robb doesn’t even want the Iron Throne! He simply wants justice for his father’s death and freedom and independence for his people. Plus, the Starks have the best house words with “Winter Is Coming.” AND they have direwolves! We’ve gotten a glimpse of the magical properties these animals possess, and the special connection they share with the Stark children. Dany’s not the only one with a badass pet. Say it with me now: The King in the North! The King in the North! The King in the North!

9. What cliffhanger was most intriguing?

Walking Dead fans, rejoice: Game of Thrones is now a zombie-friendly zone.

BG: This one’s a no-brainer. The most compelling cliffhanger is the UNSTOPPABLE GIANT ZOMBIE ARMY that’s sure to play a pivotal role in Season 3. We only caught a glimpse of the White Walkers, but they scared the living crap out of Sam’s Night’s Watch pals. And though they’re quite the lengthy walk from King’s Landing, imagine just how awesome it would be if they came face-to-face with Joffrey…

MR: Like BG said, this is a no-brainer. There’s a reason the creators elected to move up the Walker reveal from the Book 3 prologue to the Season 2 finale. But I’m equally intrigued by the other cliffhanger beyond the Wall. What happens now that Jon has killed the Halfhand to earn his place among the Wildlings? Will Mance Rayder accept him, or see through Ned Stark’s bastard’s ploy? What’s really been going on in the valley of the Frost Fangs? The Wildlings have lived as free people; what did Mance sell them in order to get them all to rally to his cause? How far will Jon have to go to build his cover? And where the heck is Ghost? I’ve always liked Jon and the action in the North. I’m excited to see where this all goes.

CW: So, yeah, the dead have mobilized. And I can’t stop thinking about that zombie leader. IS THAT BENJEN STARK?!?! Or is he with Mance north of the Wall? But since my esteemed partners in crime have covered that, here’s a sleeper pick for ya: Stannis looking into the flames. Sure, the scene might have been a little corny and overly dramatic, but since Shadow Baby stuck a shadow blade through Renly, I haven’t stopped wondering why Stannis hasn’t utilized that weapon more. Did staring into the flames move Stannis further toward the Lord of Light? Will he fully embrace Melisandre’s dark magic and enlist Shadow Baby to start stabbing cats in King’s Landing? Is Stannis the Lord of Light, as Melisandre suggests? So many questions, no Radio Shack geeks to answer.

10. What are your early predictions for Season 3?

Was Dany’s trip beyond the Wall in the Season 2 finale a test, a prophecy or both?

CW: Since the line between predictions and aspirations is often thin… BG got me thinking: Joffrey gets slayed, twice! First, zombie Benjen Stark makes it to King’s Landing and has a hunger for royal brain, so he chows down on Joffrey, thus converting him into a Walker. Then Dany comes riding in on her dragons, butt-ass naked with hair flowing in the wind. Close-up on zombie Joff, pan to city’s liberator, and wham-o, torch that zombie Bitch King with dragon’s flame. More realistically, I can also only assume Tyrion will plot and scheme (this time both are required) his way back up our Power Rankings list, hopefully at the cost of his sister’s life. And Robb will ride north to rebuild Winterfell.

MR: Jon bones Ygritte (please). Jorah bones Dany (double please). Joffrey tries to bone Margaery with that golden telescope, but she turns the tables and really makes him the Bitch King (TRIPLE PLEASE). Bran starts admitting his dreams are a gift instead of viewing them as a curse. The direwolves start exhibiting more magical powers. Robb suffers the consequences of his hasty marriage by losing the Freys as his bannermen. Stannis falls completely under Melisandre’s control, and the Lord of Light officially becomes a contender for the Iron Throne. Arya finds Winterfell in ruins and sets back off on the road to rescue Sansa. The Hound rescues his little bird first. Dany secures a ship, but won’t arrive in Westeros until the Season 3 finale. Tyrion realizes having a huge scar across his faces makes him a badass like Omar Little, not a monster. Mance Rayder becomes a major character. We find out Benjen Stark is head of the Icicle brigade, which means the Night’s Watch’s two biggest enemies — the Wildlings and the Others — are under the charge of former Black Brothers. Jorah bones Dany. Wait, I said that one already.

BG: Zombies roam free, Dany looks hotter than ever and Joffrey suffers a twisted and excruciating death. What more could you really ask for?