What is it about delicious waffles that make us think Trailer Takes? I just absolutely demolished a pulled pork waffle and a wafflini with ice cream, so I’m sitting fat and happy right now. And there’s no better time to watch some movie trailers and hand out grades.
In this edition of Trailer Takes, we get Savage with some gratuitous violence and cap it off with some recreational drug use. Enjoy…
The Expendables 2
Just like the first Expendables, the cast packs a mean punch. And just like the first one, The Expendables 2 makes no effort of hiding the hook: “Track ‘em, find ‘em, kill ‘em” is always a good plan. Ass beating. Badass explosions. A cast of old-ass action heroes. Rocky, Drago, Walker, McClain, Terminator, Turkish, Colonel Guile, Romeo. “You’re gonna need more men if you expect to get out of here alive.” With these guys? Fuck that.
Among other things, this trailer satisfied my thirst for: inaudible mumbling, one-handed zip lining into enemy territory, intentional plane crashes, hand guns (literally: at one point it seems Stallone shoots bullets out of his bare hand), wheelies, motorcycles crashing into choppers, power sliding, flaming cars flipping over, cross-movie references (“I’m back!”), bad attitude (again, literally), cross-vehicular manslaughter and flying roundhouse kicks.
Points docked for not giving
Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris any lines, jump-punches or cowboy hats. And if we learned anything from the Fast and the Furious series, this totally should have been called “Too Expendable”. Bonus points for the collective amount of botox used between Arnold, Van Damme and Sly. I believe that’s classified as a felony in 49 states.
On the one hand, I was hoping for a little more action in this trailer. C’mon, the name of the movie is Savages, and there’s only four seconds of cars exploding? On the other hand…. Mmmm, Blake Lively and Salma Hyeck (and, to be fair to our lady readers, Taylor Kitsch).
This trailer does make efficient use of montage to let us know that there will, indeed, be lots of stabbing, shooting, exploding and potentially a little side boob (can’t sneak that past me). And unlike The Expendables 2, there may actually be a story here. And in that story are life lessons for all to learn: Love triangles always end up with drug cartel kidnapping the hypotenuse. Also, saying “It’s nothing personal” or “It’s just business” is never a good idea (see: Liam Neeson in Taken; Denzel Washington in Man on Fire).
Benicio del Toro was a good cast for this role, and the Day of the Dead masks are pretty savage (hey, I get the title now!).
But points docked for both good guys and bad guys wearing the same masks. (Cue up: “Did you plan those matching outfits!?” “Not cool!”). Bonus points for that split second moment of ecstasy with Salma Hyeck (at the 1:37 mark).
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
Somebody was baton master in the high school marching band! Those axe-spinning moves are fabulous! OK, onward…
In case you can’t tell by now, there’s a special place in my heart for senseless violence. (That’s why the Final Destination series didn’t get good until after the first one.) So why would the President lead an army of the living against these night-walking bastards? Because “only the living can kill the dead,” duh.
Plus, ol’ Honest Abe gives an axe swinging middle finger to the nation’s first Prez: Sweet, George cut down a cherry tree, but did he do it one swing and explode the trunk to smithereens? Unlikely. And while I’m not exactly all in on the vampire fad, the Commander in Chief taking up arms to fight this great nation’s enemies, living or dead, gives me a patriotic hard-on (symbolically speaking, of course).
Bonus points for rewriting history. Points docked because I was really hoping Abe would fashion his famous top hat into an Oddjob-like, vampire-slaying ninja star.
God, it’s just so relatable. I mean, who hasn’t taken bong rips on the couch with their teddy bear? I know I have. (Or maybe I was by myself. Or was that my roommate…? Who knows. Let’s pause for corn pops.)
Now where were we. Oh, right. This trailer sets the premise up as a classic love flick. Boy meets girl. Boy awkwardly dances with girl. Boy clocks other girl. Boy and other girl fall in love. But boy has a secret. Boy has a thunder buddy for life, and it’s a talking frat-star teddy bear.
Ted definitely seems like one of those movies where the best scenes can’t be shown in the trailer (thank you R rating!). Between getting yahtzeed out of their faces and Ted’s various sexcapades, this is a definite go for me. I mean, he’s a cute, cuddly teddy bear who can get away with grabbing boob in public and dry humping the scanner in the grocery store checkout line. But draw the line at fellatio-ing (fellating? fellatiating?) a chocolate bar.
Bonus points for countless F-bombs, gratuitous drug use and that absolutely awesome ‘Thunder Song’, which I will now use to conquer all my fears.