SPOILER ALERT: This entry contains information through the most recent episode of True Blood, “Authority Always Wins” (Season 5, Episode 2).
Another episode of True Blood is in the books, and for the second consecutive week, our favorite vampire drama didn’t disappoint. Tara continued to lose her mind, Terry’s PTSD-induced nightmares intensified and Emma turned into an adorable, pajama-clad werewolf! It was everything we could have hoped for and more.
There was some pretty significant plot development, too. Here are five takeaways from “Authority Always Wins.”
1. The friendship between Bill and Eric knows no bounds. For everything else that we learned this week, this is the biggest takeaway of all. Once bickering adversaries, Bill and Eric have become the closest of vampire BFFs, sticking up for each other until the bitter end. They laugh, they take unfiltered silver at each other’s expense and they maintain solidarity as their faces are being melted by searing UV rays. They’re simply inseparable.
Their friendship is about to be tested, as Russell Edgington wants them dead, the Guardian of the Authority is itching to stake them and Nora’s life is in jeopardy, the last of which could send Eric into a murderous rage. But for the moment, let’s appreciate how far this duo has come. Remember when Bill and Eric were pussyfooting around Bon Temps and making overblown statements like “Sookie is mine”? This newfound allegiance is SO much better.
2. Jessica knows how to party. What, you were expecting an actually relevant plot point here? All things considered, it’s amazing that Jessica’s hardcore fratting didn’t top my list of biggest takeaways. If we didn’t previously realize why vampires were blessed with super strength, we now know for certain: It’s to hoist kegs with one hand while ushering out sick partygoers with the other. And do you remember Jessica’s Ke$ha-worthy drinking game and rock band skills (Cherry bomb!)? Pretty soon she’ll start dressing like a lax bro!
Jessica also upped her rivalry with Rev. Steve Newlin, who’s taken to busting retirement-home dance moves and popping both real and fang boners over Jason’s buns of steel (“You could chip a fang!”). And following their ferocious hair-pulling debacle, who knows what slugfest they’ll come up with next. Pacquiao-Bradley has nothing on Hamby-Newlin.
3. Pam is the fucking coolest. I don’t even need to make jokes for this one. Instead, I’ll just recap. Through the first two episodes of Season 5, Pam called Sookie’s vagina a “super snatch”, wore a yellow kitten- and flower-adorned sweatsuit, turned Tara into a batshit crazy vamp, insulted her Fangtasia employee/part-time lover as a dirty tramp and flashed back to an era (San Francisco in 1905, to be exact) when she was a madam in a brothel who dispensed cocaine out of her ring. She’s been dominant. Pam is like a pitcher who has thrown a perfect game through four innings — and has struck out all 12 batters swinging.
Of course, Pam will likely be forced to tend to Tara, a notion that should temper expectations for her otherworldly start. But let’s enjoy the ride while it lasts. And until we find out for sure, it’s time to place bets on how/why Eric turned her. My money’s on crazy above-ground sex leading to crazy below-ground sex leading to crazy, messed up vampire sex. All of which, naturally, fosters a centuries-long father-daughter relationship. You know how these things go.
4. Tara is a mega-crazy-bitch vampire! Until proven otherwise, this will indefinitely maintain a spot on my biggest takeaways list. Tara has become a tornado of destruction, wrecking houses, torpedoing old friends and crouching on countertops like a leapfrogging vampire of doom. She’s also permanently pledged a grudge against Sookie and Lafayette and asserted her superiority over pesky vampire silver misters. She’s redefining what it means to psychotic.
Story wise, it’ll be fascinating to see what Tara plans now that she’s both immortal and eternally vindictive. Given her human past, I’d watch my back if I was on her shit list. That means you, Lettie Mae.
5. This season represents True Blood’s most aggressive statement about society to date. Look, True Blood has a well-established history of questioning the legitimacy of religion and politics. It played the vampires-coming-out-of-the-coffin card in Season 1, followed by the emergence of the Fellowship of the Sun and the tireless demonstrations of power-corrupt vampire officials. But this season seems bent on taking that agenda to an entirely new level: Not only does the Authority have its sights set on mainstreaming, but it also believes in the literal interpretation of the vamp bible, one that suggests that Lilith came before Adam and Eve and that humans’ sole purpose on Earth is to nourish vampires like Pringles.
But let’s stop kidding ourselves. The most lasting impressions that the Authority left were that Roman Zimojic is a 500-year-old badass vamp (good work, Christopher Meloni) and that True Blood has introduced a Bitchking Joffrey wannabe. Apparently the latter’s name is Alexander Drew, and he needs to die as soon as possible. I’m already fantasizing about throwing horse crap in his face.
And here’s the rest of the episode recap, in one rambling and incoherent sentence: Alcide doesn’t like eating decaying werewolf intestines, even at Marcus’ mother’s behest; Sam and Luna have hit a rough patch; Luna’s daughter, Emma, is the cutest infant werewolf EVER; Sookie still judges perverted hicks who fantasize about sleeping with her; Terry is a terrifying sleepwalker; Andy can now relate to Jason about having sex (“Welcome to the club!”) and doesn’t have to relapse back into his awful V addiction. Oh, and Russell Edgington is wheezing, ugly, furious and alive. I guess that’s mildly important, too.