Father’s Day is less than two weeks away, so if you’re like me, you’ll wait another 10 days, purchase the last semi-funny-but-mostly-corny card at CVS and pat yourself on the back. It’s a time-honored tradition on par with calling your college roommate the day after his birthday. That’s just the way things get done.
If you’re one of the overly ambitious types who wants to buy something early, however, I have the perfect gift for you. HBO IS NOW SELLING REPLICA IRON THRONES. For a paltry $30,000 (and an additional $1,800 for shipping), you can buy the greatest chair in the universe, a seat worthy of those screaming furiously at the TV while pondering how to kill Joffrey.
If you don’t want to spend $30,000 on good ‘ol dad, though, I’d still recommend acquiring one for yourself (or me). I’d also recommend using it in one of the following three ways, which you can view after the jump.
1. The Iron Throne as a desk chair. Looking for a way to spice up your office? This is the perfect solution. Not only will your co-workers gain immense respect for you, but you’ll undoubtedly become smarter, more productive and more attractive to the hottie in the cubicle nearby. Perhaps most importantly, you’ll have a legitimate excuse to murder the inexplicably loud-chewer who sits behind you. As soon as he eyes your 350-pound power-chair, simply torch the bastard with your newly obtained wildfire (included with the purchase).
2. The Iron Throne as patio furniture. It’s summer, which means you probably plan to sit on your porch, pound some casual Bud Light Limes and listen to “Call Me Maybe” a few hundred times. But you know how to make that experience even more awesome? Do it while sitting in the fucking Iron Throne. Plus, the chair gives you unquestioned authority to command your parents/children/siblings/significant others in any way you see fit. Mom, the meatloaf. We want it.
3. The Iron Throne as a love seat. I know what you’re thinking: How can a 7-foot-2 Iron Throne composed of a thousand swords with spikes and jagged edges be ideal for love-making? Why not use an appropriately named Lovesac instead, or simply find the nearest bed? The answer is easy. If you spend $30,000 (and an additional $1,800 for shipping) on the greatest chair in the universe, you have to have sex on it. This is true no matter how inconveniently it’s placed, how much your partner objects or how many people are standing around watching. It’s an obligation. The upside is, if you do have a baby, it will definitely be a dragon. Or a shadow monster.