Welcome to the Season 2 finale edition of Punching Pete Campbell’s Game of Thrones Power Rankings. Before proceeding, be sure to review last week’s rankings to track the movement. We’ve got a new No. 1 and lots of other risers and sliders after an epic 70-minute finale that closed some loops and opened countless others. Season 3 can’t get here soon enough.

Three major factors go into our rankings: 1) overall likability/how much we want the character to die, 2) developments from the most recent episode and 3) how much actual power the characters currently hold in the show. And of course, there’s our own subjectivity, which we won’t hide.

One last very important order of business: SPOILER ALERT: The following entries contain information from the most recent episode of Game of Thrones: “Valar Morghulis” (Season 2, Episode 10).

1. Daenerys Targaryen (previously unranked): In the pantheon of improbable comebacks, zero-to-hero turnarounds that leave us gasping for breath, there is a new contender for GOAT: Dany Targaryen, the mother of dragons and the eater of stallion hearts, finishes Season 2 atop our Game of Thrones Power Rankings. It’s hard to overstate just how unlikely that is. For most of the year, Dany was a nonfactor, spurning Ser Jorah’s advances (and tenderly caressing his face) while her dragons were stolen and her handmaiden was killed. She was without a ship and without allies, looking increasingly vulnerable as the Iron Throne slipped ever further from her sight. Sure, she looked beautiful. Sure, she had great boobs. Sure, she had an ass that helped her take what was hers with fire and blood. But she was mostly powerless. Then came the finale. And, finally, Dany transformed into the badass bitch we always wanted her to be: She bravely ventured into the House of the Undying, avoided a series of magical pitfalls (Khal Drogo!), commanded her dragons to burn Pyat Pree and locked Xaro in an empty chamber for the rest of eternity. It was AMAZING. There were the Pacers in 1995. There were the Red Sox in ’04. Heck, the Barenaked Ladies and Blues Traveler have even decided to tour together this summer. (Really.) But none of those comebacks can lay a finger on Dany’s. It begs the question: Can anyone stop her? Unfortunately, that can only be answered by wise men with skinny arms.
– BG

2. Tywin Lannister (previously 1): The Hand of the King’s horse took a huge, steamy dump right in the middle of the King’s hall, which is about how we feel about the King and most of the people in the hall. Even though Tywin didn’t do much in the finale, he’s still pretty much on top of the world. He owns the gold cloaks, can bitch Joffrey around at his pleasure and faces little opposition from Stannis or Robb Stark. He’s the head of the richest family in Westeros and a true badass in battle. Oh, and he might not know it, but his favorite son is coming home to surprise daddy for Father’s Day. Yep, things are looking up.
– CW

3. Joffrey Baratheon and Margaery Tyrell (previously 4/ previously unranked): And the Oscar goes to … Joffrey “Bitch King” Baratheon, first of his name, for his nuanced performance in But I took a holy vow. Joffrey and his Small Council had settled on the Tyrell union in private, but felt compelled to stage this little charade in order to keep Joffrey honorable in the eyes of his loyal (shit-throwing) subjects. And boy is Margaery lucky Renly couldn’t get it up for that all-Tyrell love sandwich. She told Littlefinger she wanted to be the Queen, not a queen, and her intact “innocence” helped her attain that goal. The Lannisters and Tyrells are the two richest families in Westeros, and their alliance is bound to be a formidable one. Which is a real shame for all of us who can’t wait to see a dragon burn that smirk of Joffrey’s stupid little face.
– MR

4. White Walkers (previously unranked): ZOMBIES! Quite frankly, that’s not what I was expecting the White Walkers to look like. Some of ‘em looked more like Redneck Zombies than the Walkers we saw in Season 1. Regardless, the dead march from the north and it seems only fire can kill them. Winter is coming, so fire may not be so easy to come by. Their forces grow stronger as they kill and convert the living, and there happens to be a large camp of recruits just ahead. Most importantly, was that a zombie Benjen Stark leading them?! Or just a ghost-faced doppelganger? Either way, badass leader on a badass half-faced-zombie-horse makes for an intimidating threat. The case against this army rests in their tortoise-like pace and their inability to murk out Plumpy McGee Sam right in front of them. (Come on, nobody else was hoping Sam would get offed?)
– CW

5. Jaqen H’ghar (previously unranked): For most of the season, we’ve wondered how a man does his killing. Is he a prodigious archer? Can he multiply like Pyat Pree? Did he also birth dragons? The answer is actually more unbelievable than any of the aforementioned scenarios. Jaqen can change faces. After coolly posing on a mountaintop, a man descended to meet Arya, offered her a worthless coin (it can’t even buy horses!) and taught her to say, “Valar Morghulis,” which means “All men must die” in High Valyrian. (Or “patrol duty ruins everything.” One of the two.) Then he turned his head, revealed that he can instantaneously morph into an aging ’80s hair-metal rocker and casually strolled into the distance. It may be a while before we see a man again, but now we know why he’s so dangerous — and why he’s so awesome.
– BG

6. Jon Snow and the Wildlings (previously unranked/previously 9): You know something, Jon Snow. Everyone’s favorite Black Brother took a major step in the Season 2 finale, infiltrating the Wildlings by killing legendary Night’s Watchman Qhorin Halfhand on the Halfhand’s (secret) orders to make it seem like he’d broken his oath and sworn his allegiance to Mance Rayder instead. In the short term, this means Jon can spoon Ygritte to his heart’s content, and maybe even find out what’s so “wet and warm.” Ultimately, this means Jon can pull the long con, undermining the King Beyond the Wall when Westeros’ need is most dire. And dire it will be, judging by the size of the Wildling camp Jon spied stretched along the Frost Fangs. Time to find Longclaw. And Ghost. And, perhaps, Benjen Stark?
– MR

7. Robb Stark (previously 3): Robb’s story arc may have been the least captivating this season, and in many ways, it prompted his ultimate rankings’ downfall. He lost the Kingslayer, he can’t trust his mother (“The only parent I have left has no right to call anyone reckless”) and he betrayed his once-sacred word, the last of which could have dire future consequences. But despite his hesitations, Robb also gained a wife, the smoking-hot Talisa. And after witnessing their first sexual encounter, I’d imagine the consummation was incredible. All sex is better with excessive clothing, tales about drowning, hacksaws and perfectly coiffed hair.
– BG

8. Petyr Baelish, aka Littlefinger (previously unranked): Remember when Tyrion promised Littlefinger Harrenhal if he arranged a marriage for Myrcella, then pulled that melted promise out from under Lord Baelish’s greedy fingers once he’d accomplished his true aim of outing Cersei’s snitch? Unfortunately, Littlefinger got the last laugh, receiving Harrenhal from Joffrey as compensation for uniting the Lannister and Tyrell clans while Tyrion was left to rot in a dungeon-like chamber. Littlefinger spent much of Season 2 operating in the shadows, but he made his impact felt when it mattered and managed to secure one of the most substantial — albeit decrepit and haunted — seats in the realm for his troubles. Varys seems determined to undo Littlefinger from within his own (whore)house, but the self-styled Lord is no stranger to deception and the games that give this series its name. Remember Littlefinger’s words to Sansa in the finale: “Look around you. We’re all liars here, and every one of us is better than you.”
– MR

9. Tyrion (previously 2): Poor pock-marked Tyrion. His heroism saved the city, yet his family tossed him to the gutters. He has nobody to back him up after Bronn was mysteriously replaced and the tribesmen were sent back to their hill shanties. On the plus side, his scar will look pretty badass once it heals up a bit and he’s got his main squeeze Shea by his side. And that monologue will surely put him up for an Emmy. We just couldn’t put our favorite GoT personality in the 10 spot, nor could we bump him off the list. But Tyrion will have his work cut out to climb the list in Season 3.
– CW

10. Stannis Baratheon (previously 8): How the mighty have fallen. Once the frontrunner in PPC’s Power Rankings, Stannis has slipped into the perennial bitch spot, a place typically reserved for King Joff or Theon. But there’s no denying Stannis’ decline. His defeat in King’s Landing caused him to lose his mind, something evidenced by his ruthless choking of Melisandre and his subsequent remorse for killing Renly. True, he saw something mesmerizing when staring into the prophetical flames. But that was probably just Melisandre’s vagina playing tricks on us. Melisandre has a sneaky, sneaky vagina.
– BG

On the King’s Road

Arya Stark: Arya is finally free, casually roaming the countryside while shooting the shit with Hot Pie. She also acquired a shiny new coin from Jaqen, even learning a helpful new phrase in the process. But looking back on it, maybe she should have followed a man to Braavos. Then she could have learned to swap faces — and potentially enjoyed some really tasty pasta and breadsticks.
– BG

Melisandre: Sulky Stannis turned into psycho Stannis in a flash, lamenting his failed siege one moment, then attempting to strangle Melisandre the next. He relented long enough to let the fire priestess give a world-class pep talk — “This war will last for years. Thousands will die at your command. You will betray the men serving you, you will betray your family, you will betray everything you once held dear.” — then foolishly gazed into the flames upon her command, presumably falling under her shadowy spell. Someone cue the shadow-baby-making music!
– MR

Brienne of Tarth: Tricky one, that Brienne. She almost talked her way out of a skirmish with Stark guards, but once they uncovered her prisoner’s true identity it came to swords. She’s handy with her steel, ruthless but with an interesting set of morals. She has no problem killing, but don’t try to stop her from giving the bodies a proper burial. She serves Cat, not the Starks, so it’ll be interesting to track this one’s progression in Season 3.
– CW

Jaime Lannister: Alas, my fear has come true. Another season gone and none of the most hated characters were executed. King Joffrey’s baby daddy (what?) isn’t in the clear yet, but he’s on his way to King’s Landing and it seems Brienne is completely capable of getting him there in one piece. Then think of all the sisters and cousins he can bump uglies with! You know what they say about keeping it in the family…
– CW

Osha: Even when she’s not getting naked or slitting throats, Osha finds a way to win us over. She eased Maester Luwin’s death, offered her trademark “North’s the wrong way” wisdom and vowed to protect Bran and Rickon, even against her own kind. She’ll undoubtedly have to before the end.
– MR

Theon Greyjoy: As difficult as it is to admit, Theon kind of grew on us during the Season 2 finale. He finally showed the balls he lacked all season, conceding that he’d done wrong but was still willing to die for his cause. After cursing the wretched hornblower, he even gave a hell of a speech, one that seemed to rally his formerly skeptical troops. Then he was clocked over the head. And that’s a shame, because now it’s doubtful that the women of the world will think about Theon while they’re having sex.
– BG

Varys: Speaking of lacking balls, Varys gave Ros quite the surprise during their brief, sexual tension-less encounter. She went for it … and came up with nothing. (You try giving a handy to a dude without a cock. Awkward!) But following Littlefinger’s maneuvering, Varys seems hell-bent on one-upping him, a desire that earns him a spot on the King’s Road. He also ass-backwardly called Ros “a collection of profitable holes,” a phrase that probably set women’s rights back several centuries.
– BG

Sansa Stark: The Gods giveth, and the Gods taketh away. The little bird was feeling great about her choice to pass on the Hound’s escort offer once Joffrey freed her from their engagement … right until Littlefinger reminded her Joff isn’t the kind of boy to give away his toys. Oy.
– MR

Tywin’s horse: Aside from the townie who threw a cow pie in Joffrey’s face in “The Old Gods and the New,” no man or beast came as close to taking a shit on the Bitch King as this steed, which dropped a giant, symbolic deuce by the Throne Room door upon Tywin’s entry. Thank you, indeed, Your Grace.
– MR