In case you haven’t heard, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino of Jersey Shore fame is getting his own comic book. We don’t have many details, but here’s what we know: The comic will hit shelves in early August, and the cover will look like this. That’s enough information to inspire some bold predictions from the PPC team.
• Origin story: A young man named Michael Sorrentino is resting in a tanning bed when an eruption at Jersey’s Salem Nuclear Power Plant causes the roof of the salon to cave in, trapping Sorrentino inside. Instead of burning Sorrentino to a crisp after the recommended 20-minute tan time elapses, the UVA rays combine with the nuclear emissions and Sorrentino’s hair gel to turn him into The Situation, a wise-cracking Italian with trademark abs, an uncanny ability to land a one-night stand and an innate talent for lying in almost every situation. Because the hair gel only trickles down to the top half of his body, The Situation has a ripped torso, but comical chicken legs.
• Costume: Based on the cover, the main costume will be tight jeans, no shirt and baller shades. Alternate costumes likely include lime-green Abercrombie sweatpants, sideways baseball caps, oversized ceramic watches and Italian-flag belt buckles.
• Powers: Rock-hard abs and hair that repel opposing forces; the ability to identify a grenade from across a crowded club; a skull and vertebra strong enough to withstand the impact of a concrete wall; flame-retardant skin built up after years of grilling accidents.
• Kryptonite: Pain pills; Jionni; culture.
• Nemesis: The Snook, the superhero created when fellow Jersey Shore castmate Snooki attempted to cure her 15th consecutive urinary tract infection with a paste made of pickles, vodka and fibers from her stuffed animal, crocodilly.