Welcome to Punching Pete Campbell’s fifth edition of the Game of Thrones Power Rankings. Before proceeding, be sure to review last week’s rankings to track the movement. We’ve got a new No. 1 after Sunday’s epic Battle of the Blackwater, which shook up our rankings almost as much as it shook up the clash of kings in Westeros.

Three major factors go into our rankings: 1) overall likability/how much we want the character to die, 2) developments from the most recent episode and 3) how much actual power the characters currently hold in the show. And of course, there’s our own subjectivity, which we won’t hide.

One last very important order of business: SPOILER ALERT: The following entries contain information from the most recent episode of Game of Thrones: “Blackwater” (Season 2, Episode 9).

1. Tywin Lannister (previously 3): Sure, Tyrion made masterful use of wildfire, weakened Stannis’ troops considerably and rallied his army behind one of the greatest battle speeches in recent memory. It doesn’t matter. Tywin is going to receive all of the credit. After finishing his four-episode tea party with Arya, the eldest Lannister teamed up with Ser Loras, rerouted to King’s Landing and dealt Stannis his final and most devastating blow, one guaranteed to earn Tywin savior status in Westeros. After he highlighted its importance in an earlier conversation, Tywin’s legacy seems safe. “The battle is over. We have won.”
– BG

2. Tyrion Lannister (previously 2): For once, Chekhov’s gun was actually a giant boat full of wildfire! Tyrion owned much of this episode, crafting an ingenious battle plan that forced HBO to shell out the cash and reduced half of Stannis’ fleet to smithereens. Of course, it was only half the fleet. Robb said in Episode 8 that a man can only be brave if he’s afraid, and Tyrion illustrated this beautifully atop the battlements with Joffrey fleeing and Stannis’ remaining men charging the Mud Gate. Tyrion muttered “I will lead the attack,” first to himself, then aloud, first with a note of surprise, then with a confidence he can’t really have felt. He then issued an Emmy-worthy pep-talk that included two of the best lines Season 2 has given us: “They say I’m half a man. What does that make the lot of you?” and “Those are brave men knocking at our door … let’s go kill them!” We were chanting “half-man!” right along with the troops. But as Stannis pointed out, Tyrion did put all his wildfire eggs in one sea-worthy basket, and while there’s no denying his strategic savvy, there’s also no denying the battle was lost until Tywin and Ser Loras arrived. More importantly, there’s no getting around the fact that one of Tyrion’s own men attempted to kill him. We don’t know if Ser Mandon acted on his own or acted on orders; we don’t need to. This was the ultimate reminder that our boundless love for Tyrion isn’t shared by all those who are supposed to serve him.
– MR

* Dissenting Opinion: Sure, Tywin saved the city when it seemed the battle was lost. But Tyrion’s episode in “Blackwater” was one of his best. Games aren’t won in the fourth quarter. When Damon Jones came off the bench to nail a dagger trey against the Wizards in the 2006 playoffs, casual observers were quick to claim he won the game for the Cavs. Nonsense. It took a hell of a lot more to get to that moment in the game. Tywin surely saved the day, and he’ll presumably take over as Hand of the King. But without Tyrion and his scheming (or plotting?), the city was lost. He got his face sliced like a scene from Piranha 3d or Final Destination 2 (obligatory graphic video warning), but his valor cannot be denied.
– CW

3. Robb Stark (previously 4): The Young Wolf didn’t appear in “Blackwater,” but he returns to the top three nonetheless after avoiding an assault from Lord Tywin’s army. Granted, Robb didn’t do anything to improve his position, benefitting instead from Tywin’s change of heart (and the show creators’ misdirection). And yes, he still lost Jaime Lannister to his mother and Winterfell to his former foster brother. But while his fellow would-be rulers are recovering from crippling battle (the Lannisters and Stannis), searching for prized possessions (Dany) and assembling forces (Mance Rayder), Robb remains the captain of an undefeated host that adores him and is currently stationed leagues away from any enemies. Oh, and he’s got a hot chick waiting to bone him in his tent. All in all, the King in the North is in pretty good shape.
– MR

4. Joffrey Bitchking Baratheon (previously 8): Nothing displeases us more than moving King Joff up the Power Rankings this week. Everything we hate about Babyface Joff was highlighted and magnified in “Blackwater.” I mean everything: the name of his new sword, his runt of a cousin Lancel, his whiny little voice, even his posture pisses me off. He’s a total coward, leaving his men at a time of need to go discuss “urgent business” with his psychotic mother in the safety of the red keep. Problem is, he’s sitting pretty right now. Tywin saved King’s Landing and will surely have his grandson’s back. Stannis’ army was repelled, and Robb is still leagues away. So for now, there’s no threat to Joffrey’s throne. Here’s hoping he eats some bad meat and dies a slow and painful death from Westeros’ first case of mad cow disease.
– CW

5. The Hound (previously unranked): What an episode for The Hound, who gave us more bloody deaths and f-bombs than any other character in any other episode. (“Fuck the water, bring me wine!”) He gave us much more than that, starting with a many-layered exchange with Bronn before the battle and culminating in an oddly touching scene with Sansa in the closing minutes. In between, he was forced to face his paralyzing fear of fire and decide if it was really worth risking his life for the smarmy little boy-king who calls him “dog.” Turns out, it wasn’t. Even though Joffrey made it out of the episode alive, it was incredibly satisfying to see his sworn shield defect and tell him to fuck off. Literally: “Fuck the Kingsguard, fuck the city, fuck the king.” #HouseClegane
– MR

6. Sansa Stark (previously unranked): Despite being forced to kiss Joffrey’s Ed Hardy brand sword (Hearteater? Really?), Sansa cracks the top 10 for the first time in PPC history. For good reason: Not only did she quietly defy a shitfaced Cersei, but she finally razzed the loathsome Bitch King. Her group prayer in the wake of the queen’s advice was another testament to her incorruptibility, and her question “Will you be in the vanguard?” was code for “Hey Joffrey, you suck LOL.” Then there was her bedroom interaction with The Hound, which — since it didn’t culminate in her being raped — should be viewed as an overwhelming triumph. After two seasons of submission, Sansa finally showed signs of making a stand. The Little Bird may have some fight in her, after all.
– BG

7. Cersei Lannister (previously unranked): Cersei may be detestable, but one thing is now certain: She has the most powerful vagina in all of Westeros. I’m talking about a world-changing, war-causing, Helen of Troy-type vagina. Last week, she taught us that cocklessness equals power. This week, she explained that a woman’s greatest weapon is “what’s between her legs.” Is there anything that it can’t do? Does it perhaps have Teeth? In most situations, Cersei would be penalized for curtseying to a prostitute and attempting to kill herself and her son Tommen. But in this case, her almighty vagina — the Grand Poobah of female genitalia — more than makes up for it. And in a deranged way, doesn’t her decision to spend her theoretical dying hours guzzling wine and tormenting Sansa seem strangely awesome? Cersei is the ultimate bitch — and we kind of respect her for it.
– BG

8. Stannis Baratheon (previously 1): The true heir to the Iron Throne is a total badass. After watching half his fleet get blasted away by wildfire, Stannis didn’t flinch in his quest to take King’s Landing. “Come with me, and let’s take this city!” He was the first one on the beach, the first one up the ladder and the last one still fighting once Tywin’s forces thwarted the attempt to breach the gate. His own men had to drag him away kicking and screaming from the fight, which makes him the polar opposite of Joff. Still, he failed to take King’s Landing and lost a good chunk of his forces in the process. He’s alive, and presumably will mount a counter attack. Let’s hope he squirts some shadow semen into that fire priestess so ghost baby can ice the king like he did Renly.
– CW

9. Ygritte and the Wildlings (previously 9): No word this week on the Wildlings, but the army beyond the wall seems to remain in good shape. We still don’t know much about these people — other than that they enjoy penis jokes and wear outlandish bone wardrobes — but they’ve captured Jon Snow and murdered the rest of his Iceland exploratory tour (except Qhorin Halfhand, whom they’re keeping hostage). The Wildlings should play a more prominent role in future seasons, but for the finale, let’s hope that Ygritte and Jon have a moment to themselves. If nothing else, can we get another wilderness spooning session? Please?
– BG

10. Theon Greyjoy (previously 10): The prince of Winterfell has secured his spot in the PPC Power Rankings “bitch of the week” slot. Good ol’ number 10. Theon was a no-show in “Blackwater,” but he still holds Winterfell and is desperate for his family’s approval. Will he sail back to the Iron Islands with his bully of a big sis? Will he stay, try to hold his foster home and give Joffrey a run for his money as the head we’d most like to introduce to an iron spike? Hopefully the finale brings answers.
– CW

On the King’s Road:

Wildfire: It may look like Flubber, but Tyrion’s secret weapon lived up to its hype. In fact, it far surpassed it. THIS SCENE WAS FREAKING AMAZING. First, the unmanned leaky ship sailed by. Then, Bronn fired his high-arching arrow into the water. Finally, thousands of Stannis’ men were burned to a neon green crisp in a did-you-see-that explosion that exhilarated the pyromancer (1:55 in the clip), terrified The Hound and really, really fucked Davos. The only thing that could have made the scene better? If Tyrion, upon annihilating half of Stannis’ fleet, would’ve said “…and boom goes the dynamite.”
– BG

Arya Stark: No Arya this week, unless we count the five-second glimpse we got in the season finale preview, but we love her too much to knock her off this list completely. Plus, she may literally be on the King’s Road thanks to Jaqen’s badass assist in “The Prince of Winterfell.” But will that road lead back to Winterfell, or to more trouble?
– MR

Bronn: If the Hound is No. 5, the case could surely be made for Bronn to crack the top 10. His men love him, he’s a hell of a shot with a flaming arrow and he totally gets boners when exotic naked chicks sit on his lap.
– CW

Podrick Payne: Early in “Blackwater,” Varys asked Tyrion if he trusted his awkward squire, Pod. Tyrion answered, “I do, oddly enough.” Pod proved worthy of that trust in the episode’s closing minutes, thrusting a spear through the treacherous Ser Mandon’s chest after the Kingsguard knight sliced open Tyrion’s face.
– MR

Daenerys Targaryen: One episode remains, but on the whole it hasn’t been a great season for Dany. Her handmaiden is dead, her dragons are stolen and now she has to trek to the House of the Undying (ugh!) to outwit Xaro and Pyat Pree. But on the bright side, she recently secured a ship.  And she’s still a total babe, which — at a minimum — guarantees her a spot on the King’s Road.
– BG