It’s Wednesday, which means two things: 1) it’s more than halfway to the weekend and 2) the Wafels & Dinges truck should be stationed outside of my office. Unfortunately, the latter is not happening, which — much to my dismay — means that I’m without any delectable combination of waffles, ice cream, maple syrup and bacon. This also means I’m sad.
However, to remedy the situation, I’ve decided to release the second edition of Trailer Takes, a series of wholly unnecessary reviews of the latest movie trailers. They’re short, they’re sweet and they’ll (hopefully) take my mind off tasty treats like this, this and this.
Full disclosure: I’ve neglected to see any movies in theaters since the last edition of Trailer Takes. But as the inimitable Selina Meyer explains on Veep, “[Paying to see a movie] is like trying to use a croissant as a fucking dildo. It doesn’t do the job — and it makes a fucking mess.” (I realize that makes no sense. But that analogy should be applied to literally every situation.)
On to the trailers.
Like any red-blooded American male, I reacted to the announcement of an Anchorman sequel by degrading women, high-fiving my bros, pooping in the refrigerator and eating a whole wheel of cheese. Ron Burgundy’s return to the big screen is like Michael Jordan’s return to the Bulls — only better because Ron has infinitely cooler hair.
It’s a no-brainer, then, that my excitement was elevated to a newfound high when I discovered that not one, but two Anchorman teaser trailers were released this week. The Channel 4 Action News Team is back, and despite the lack of whale vaginas and jazz flutes, it seems ready to impress: It offers the promise of sub-machine guns, boobies and Brian Fantana’s homeless-man beard.
My biggest complaint is the total absence of Baxter, everyone’s favorite bear-fluent dog. For that, I’ll drop the grade to a totally objective A-.
Oh, and go fuck yourself San Diego.
Men in Black III
Unlike with Anchorman, I was less than ecstatic about the comeback of the Men in Black franchise. Sticking with the M.J. reference, this feels more like his stint with the Wizards: Will Smith is getting old and the moment has passed him by. How will he keep up with younger, more athletic aliens?
The plot also seems like a strange combination of Back To the Future and Mars Attacks!. Why is Will Smith hiding in an unfortunately placed vent in the Chrysler building? Why is he taking advice from a wannabe Best Buy salesman in a red polo? Why is he traveling back to 1969? And what is the secret of the universe?
There’s only one thing we know for certain: Will Smith is undoubtedly the silhouetted figure falling in Mad Men’s mysterious opening credit sequence.
Will I watch? Yes, but on DVD. Will Smith was better as a rapper.
Snow White and the Huntsman
This one looks like a pretty definite pass for me. The trailer features many elements that I detest in movies — the overly dramatic rendition of a retread Disney tale; the inclusion of Kristen Stewart, who makes awful movies like Twilight; the use of cliché lines like “lips red as blood, hair black as night” – and some of the scenes are simply inexplicable. How does a mirror materialize into a prophetic gold-cloaked figure? And what is Charlize Theron doing at 0:42? Is she bathing in milk? Elmer’s glue?
The only saving grace is that a dragon appears at the 1:07 mark. Does this mean Daenerys Targaryen will also make a cameo? We can only hope.
To any rational person, this movie probably sounds awful. It’s sure to feature bad acting, lazy dialogue and a terrible premise for a film (hungry piranhas attempt to destroy humanity). But to me, Piranha 3DD looks phenomenal. And the trailer is even better. David Koechner? Doc Brown? David Hasselhoff? Are you kidding me?!
Among the highlights: Boobies. More boobies. The line: “Tell me you did not replace our lifeguards with strippers.” Hasselhoff’s quip, “I’m not a lifeguard. I never was.” Someone biting a piranha’s head off. Ving Rhames attaching a fucking machine gun to his leg. DOUBLE THE D’S???
I’m so pumped, in fact, that I’ve even researched the movie on Wiki. This is an actual, non-fabricated plot development: “While Shelby and Josh are having sex, the piranha in Shelby’s vagina bites Josh’s penis.” (You can’t make this stuff up.)
Knock Piranha 3DD if you want. Go watch The Iron Lady or another critically acclaimed snoozer. I plan to grab my Mike and Ikes and a 64-ounce Mountain Dew and sit in the front row on opening night (June 1). Movies like this confirm that God exists — and loves us very, very much.